A Moment Of Silence

"A moment of silence is the expression for a period of silent contemplation, prayer, reflection, or meditation."

Today we, as a country, are observing 6 moments of silence. One Moment of prayer, reflection and contemplation for each of the following moments that seemed to last a lifetime 12 short years ago:

At 8:45 a.m. The first plane crashed into the North World Trade Center Tower. 

At 9:03 a.m. The second plane crashed into the South World Trade Center Tower.

At 9:37 a.m. Flight 77 struck the Pentagon. 

At 9:59 a.m. The South Tower fell.

At 10:03 a.m. Flight 93 crashed into a field in Pennsylvania

At 10:28 a.m. The North Tower 29 fell.

As each of these moments passed on that September morning our hearts broke a little more, our fears flared up in our chests and our worlds were forever changed. 

I woke up groggily Sept. 11, 2001 to a phone that seemed to be ringing incessantly. I had stayed up late the night before watching Thirteen Days and all I wanted to do is sleep. After a couple more rings, I finally gave in to the ringing and answered the phone. It is my roommates' older sister, who had been helping us try to resolve an issue with our phone number. There is nothing worse than getting a former Papa Johns' phone number as your new home number. If we had been willing to make and deliver pizza we could have made a small fortune. I quickly, with hopes of crawling back in bed, told her, 'We have resolved the issue and all is well with the phone.' When she calmly but firmly responded, 'Emily I don't give a damn about your phone turn on the TV and where is my sister?' This woke me up, her tone scared me. I tell her K

has left for class and I turn on the TV, just in time to see those iconic towers bleeding black smoke, raging flames and helpless souls. Terror washed over me, I have no clue what to do. I call my fiancee, "Where are you?" "Have you Heard?" Then the second wave of fear hits me like a truck. My parents and brother are staying at the Westin in downtown Atlanta, one of the tallest buildings in Atlanta.  I call, call again and again again and nothing. The phones are not working. I can't get through to the hotel or to their cell phones. I walk outside to get some air because the TV and sounds of the news have filled the empty apartment with tension so thick I can't breathe. I walk out the door and the first thing I notice, through the tears of frustration and fear, is the beautiful sky. The sky was as blue and clear as any day I had ever seen.  At that moment, I was in awe and complete fear of those blue skies. I walk back in just in time to watch the first tower collapse. In that moment I was screaming at the TV because the News Anchor was noting that something was happening but he wasn't willing to say it. I screamed, "IT IS FALLING YOU IDIOT, it is falling, Oh God, all of those people!" In that moment I couldn't fathom why he didn't say, 'the South Tower is falling.' In this moment, I have the clarity to realize, he didn't want to say anything which he wasn't absolutely sure of, especially something as horrifying as watching a Tower full of people collapse. He wanted to be certain but I think he also

wanted to believe this moment is not occurring. Then we watched in unbelief as the moment that brought us to our knees happened again. 

The rest of the afternoon was a blur. A blur of trying to figure out Where to be, Do I go to class? No one is there. What to do, Do I donate blood? Everyone is in a line, quietly sobbing. What do I think, Dear God Why? "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

My parents finally called, they were safe and on their way home. My friends and I gathered around the TV, in silence until we could watch no more. We left the television but the silence remained, while we ate and tried to process the horrors. 

What is a Moment of Silence? This morning 12 years later it is a series of short breaks in the noise that has returned to our lives. 12 years ago A Moment was a lifetime. Silence was the loss of innocence, the breaking of hearts and awakening of a generation. 

i. will. never. forget.

EmJ

   

35

35. WOW 35 years old. I will be 35 years old in 5 days. Oh dear... I am not sure how I feel about this birthday. Let me start with I am not going to shed a tear over turning 35. I am alive, I have an amazing husband who loves me and makes me laugh everyday, two wonderful boys who are thriving, and friends who surround me with love and support. I am in a good place, I have NO DOUBT.

Having said that... 35... sigh...

Maybe 35 is hitting me a little harder than all the previous 30-something birthdays because I am currently recovering from a broken hip, an injury that is typically reserved for people twice my age. Maybe it is hanging heavy over my heart because I am feeling an overwhelming desire to do things differently. MAYBE it is just the normal mid-decade, HOLY CRAP, I am now in my mid/upper 30's reaction. 

I am guessing it is a little bit of all of the above. 

My first 5k, 2011.

Let's start with the hip, my stupid, stupid hip.  For the last two years I have slowly and methodically became a runner. In this process I have also became very passionate about fighting through the 'I can't's',  'It hurts', & 'you aren't fast enough's' to improve myself. Running has been a love/hate relationship unlike anything I have ever experienced.  I love how it makes me fight against myself, to prove to myself, I am stronger than I could ever imagine. I hate how weak I feel in the process. I hate how I became so obsessed with going longer and faster, I stopped listening to my body. May 4th was my last 10k, actually it was my last run period. The week leading up to the race I knew something wasn't right...after the race I knew something was wrong. Three weeks and a lot of pain later I am sitting in front of the Orthopedic. Doctor listening to him explain that I am a mature athlete, I am not Kenyan and I should have listened to my body. Jump, or hobble in my case, three weeks and many medical tests forward it is determined that I have a compression fracture of my femoral neck. I ran myself straight into a broken hip. The words mature athlete ringing in my 34 3/4 year old ears, I am told my running, my passion, is done for the foreseeable future... This did draw many, many tears and much frustration. I am NOT THAT OLD WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME!!!! Which brings me to my next point, my desire to do things differently.

My last 10k/Race..

Why did this happen to me? Well, because I can be stubborn and stupid. I knew something wasn't right, I knew I was pushing too hard and I didn't stop. I made the conscience decision to continue on a path that lead me to this, it didn't happen to me, I caused it. 

So, doing things differently, what do I mean by that?

I want to use my past experiences to do things better in the future. I have learned SOOO much in my 34.99 years, why don't I use this knowledge to make my life easier?  My body tells me when to stop, my heart tells me when to go and mind is constantly aware of decisions that will make my life easier. My goal with 35 is to pay attention, and act accordingly. 

As for the the-mid decade, HOLY CRAP, I am now in my mid/upper 30's reaction, I guess I am just going to have to work through this reaction over the next 5 days. My heart is telling me that I am on the right path, my mind, although swirling with ideas for improvement is still learning and my body is healing.
I could not ask for more.

-EmJ

“There is a fountain of youth: it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age.” 

― Sophia Loren

My twenties...

Run for your life.

Running...

When do we run?

What causes us to increase our gait from a leisurely stroll to a breathtaking pace?

Fear.
When you are 8 and you have to go to the basement to get something. I remember slinking slowly down the stairs so the devil waiting for me would not immediately notice my presence. Then after retrieving whatever was required, I would bolt up the stairs, three and four steps at a time, because the monster was now keenly aware of my presence and was racing after me as fast as its ten legs could carry it.

                                         Joy.
Sitting on the plane dealing with the normal insanity of exiting the plane. You know the people that have decided just because we are safely on the ground means nothing. They must get their bags and get off it immediately to avoid the plane crashing into the luggage truck. I calmly wait for them to flee. I retrieve my items and walk the gangway to find my family and head home. I cross the threshold then the joy of seeing my boys, all three of them, overwhelms me and I can't get to them fast enough. I run to them and hold them as if they may disappear.



Excitement.
We get in the car and drive 20 hours, actually 20 minutes, to the lake. The boys asking are we there yet, are we there yet, ARE WE THERE YET??? We turn down the short gravel road and they yell STOP!! We stop the car, they jump out and run down the drive, into the house, out the back door, fishing gear in hand and to the dock they race.

Emotions carry us sometimes. They can cause our hearts to race and our feet to move as if they are directly connected to the pace of our hearts. What if there is no driving emotion? What makes people want to step out of the house and just run? Nothing chasing, nothing driving, no obvious reward?

I now know.

Roots and Wings 2011

I started running about 3 years ago. It started as a means to a smaller end, rear-end to be exact. I didn't really like it but it seemed to be the best and cheapest way to accomplish the goal of shedding the baby weight. So I ran. In the beginning a mile felt like 10 and appeared impossible. Then the first mile became the hurdle, the second mile I found my pace and three seemed like a stretch but what the heck.
In July 2011 I ran my first 5k race, 3.1 miles, and the .1 was the hardest part of the race. I crossed the finish line and my first thought was NOT I did it or That was awesome. Nothing even remotely that inspirational. My first thought was, 'Oh God, when I puke on the finish line it is going to be really embarrassing.' Then the realization, 'I did it... I Did it and I DID IT IN A RESPECTABLE AMOUNT OF TIME!! I still may vomit....'
Now two years later I have completed my first 10k running at roughly a 10 minute mile, not setting any records or winning any races, but WOW 6.2 miles. What makes you run when emotion isn't pushing you? Emotion that is pulling you. I know, it sounds weird but this time the emotion is almost the reward rather than the catalyst. It hurts, you have to push yourself constantly and NO ONE will say wow you only ran 4 miles... I am really disappointed that you didn't finish the race. The only person that will be disappointed is me. Just like I am the only one who knows how amazing it feels to fight through the desire to quit,  push myself through the pain and cross that finish line. I did it, I FREAKING DID IT!!

CRBR 2013

Running is a metaphor for life. It isn't easy and sometimes we want to quit, but to run through the pain, the thoughts of I can't do it, I don't want to do it or I have gone further than most and cross the finish line strong is an indescribable feeling that most people will never understand. Marriage, parenting and friendships are the races that we run in this life and the more you put in the more you get out of them. We can't sit on the couch for months and then run a marathon just like we can't stand on the sidelines of our relationships and hope they finish strong. We have to train, fight through the struggles, and get past our own thoughts of, 'I can't do it' or 'I don't want to do it' and we will cross the finish line of life and be able to say, "I DID IT! I didn't give up and WOW what an amazing run!"

What makes me run? The finish line.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Hebrews 12:1-3

SAY WHAT?

"What we've got here is failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach..."

-Cool Hand Luke 

I live with three men... 

So we, at times, have a failure to communicate. There are attempts at communication, we grunt, we vocalize each and every thought with sarcastic excellence, we look at each other with eyes so wide that eyeballs could hit the floor.  Yet, still a failure to communicate. 
How do I improve my family's ability to communicate WITHOUT yelling so loud I am communicating with the neighbors?  
Well... 
I think I will start with an equation I often quote to my children..."God gave you two ears and one mouth, so you need to listen twice as much as you talk."  I am not very good at walking the walk on this one. Those who know me, know I am a bit of a controller.  I prefer controller, over control freak...it just sounds better. So the idea of letting one of my guys, particularly the smaller ones, take the time to finish a thought before I address the issue and move on just seems like an inefficient use of precious time. 
Hmmm... maybe step two is slowing down.
If my time is so precious I feel I have to rush through conversations with my children and husband in order to move on to something else, maybe we don't have a failure to communicate maybe I have a scheduling issue. I think this relates back to to the controller mind set. It is just easier to do everything myself, so just shut up, move and let me do it. EEK, that sounds awful...awfully accurate....
Oy... So, some of the failure in communication seems to be related to my need to control the situation and move on to the next task. However, the main issue I see in our small but mighty family has yet to come to light. 
TONE... OH the TONE!
If you have watched even one minute of The Voice on NBC you have probably heard the phrase, "It was a bit pitchy" or in layman's terms it was off key or out of tune. If we were a family singing group I think we would be termed pitchy. I know we would definitely be pitchy in song because I can't carry a tune in a bucket, but more importantly we tend to be pitchy in  how we communicate with each other. 
For example, when EJ looks me dead in the eye, in all of his 45lb glory, and throws a 200lb attitude at me you have to wonder where he learned such a talent. Or when LJ, who is old enough to know better, tells SJ to, "Go Get Me XYZ" without so much as please or a glance in his father's general direction, I have to wonder if we, the leaders of this household, are leading by example? As adults, outside the home, SJ and I have to communicate with prospects, clients and the general public in a non-pitchy, over-explanatory manner which can not be rushed because clarity is crucial. What happens to this talent when we walk in the door at home? Do we turn into grunting, bossy balls of attitude that demand understanding without explanation? Well, apparently yes, YES we do... and this is obvious by how our children communicate with us. OOPS!  

So where do we go from here? Well, that is the fun thing... ANYWHERE WE WANT TO! We are a family of smart alecks who tend to be hurried and pitchy but we love each other and we are learning to communicate S-L-O-W-L-Y but surely. We have nowhere to go but up. We can learn from the knowledge that none of us like to be bossed around, yelled at or grunted at and most importantly our TONE sets the tone of the communication. If I want my children to calmly and clearly communicate their needs and wants with me then I must do the same with them. When I master this ability, they will too.  So if there is a failure to communicate maybe I don't need to look at what is being said but rather HOW it is being said!

EmJ 

You better Run...

I have an issue.
How after a close to a year of working perfectly does a medication just stop? How can something formulated to do the same task day in, day out just wake up one morning and say, "Today I am done."
GRRRRR.....
10 months, TEN FREAKING MONTHS of consistent behavior came to a screeching halt in August. At first we thought we were imagining it, SJ and I would just look at each other with the look of 'did you see/hear that?' Next the looks turned to, 'Oh my god where did that come from?' Then came the screaming and gnashing of teeth.... And then slowly we began to realize, "OH Hell, here we go again."

It started small, a back talk here, an impulsive reaction there, an inability to stop talking in school. Then it progressed to SJ and I trailing him everywhere he went to make sure that he was behaving appropriately. The calls to his new teacher increased and new plans were formulated, none of which seemed to help. Sentences were written, and written and written again.

I will be respectful.
I will not talk in class.
I will keep my hands to myself and be kind to my friends.
I will be obedient and respectful to my parents and teachers.
I will be respectful.
I will not talk in class.

I will keep my hands to myself and be kind to my friends.

I will be obedient and respectful to my parents and teachers. 

I will be respectful.

I will not talk in class.

I will keep my hands to myself and be kind to my friends.

I will be obedient and respectful to my parents and teachers. 

Some nights 50+ sentences did nothing to change the struggles occurring day in and day out...NOTHING (those of with children ask them to write 50 sentences and see what happens) Tears, screams and frustration occurred but in the end we were all just tired, tear streaked, and frustrated. Only to repeat the exhausting process again the next day. 

One night I was particularly exhausted and crying to a friend when she said, "Emily do you think he can control it? I mean if I told Ladybug she would be writing 50 sentences if she got in trouble, she would be an angel. They are 8, 50 sentences is the equivalent of a life sentence." 

I called the doctor the next day....

It amazed me that in ten short months I fell right back into the helpless routine. 'I can't fix it.. We are doing the same thing we have been doing and it isn't working...' 

DUH... Then make a change. 

How quickly we forget the struggles of the past when things are going well...Thanks friend for pointing out the obvious when I was so oblivious.

So here we go again.

Medication adjustments, controlled environments and constantly trying to figure out what will work best. No Television Monday through Friday, LOTS of exercise and coping skills for all.

ADHD sucks... but it will not define my son, We will redefine it and by God (literally) we will not only survive it we will thrive throughout it. 

I saw this image on Facebook the other day and I love the message. It gives a new spin to the old saying:

'That which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.' 

This will not kill us. We will be stronger. ADHD better run.

EmJ

You are unlimited....

You are unlimited…

As I stare sleepily at my steeping cup of caffeine-free tea that will eventually be sweetened with sugar-free nectar I wonder about the note that dangles from the edge of the cup. This little dangling note is telling me that I am Unlimited and given the circumstances in which I am reading the sweet little note I start to doubt its validity….

At first glance, I am pretty sure I am limited in many, many ways. Some things I limit because I want to better myself and couple of examples would be:

I limit my caffeine intake so I don’t behave like a twitchy squirrel.

I limit my fat intake so I don’t look like a line-backer.

I limit the speed that I drive so I don’t end up in jail.

Given the ability to avoid the negative consequences listed I would drive like an overly caffeinated squirrel whose tail was on fire. I recognize my weaknesses…

However, in other ways I feel that I am limited not by my will to avoid negative consequences but rather just limited by age and responsibility. As a mother of two school age boys who have homework and are involved in sports my time is limited. As an adult who has more on her plate than she cares to admit I feel my mental capacity is limited. And of course as a 30 something my physical capacity is being limited by a grumpy body that seems to both crave exercise and loath it at the same time.
So, does the dangler just not refer to me or is it referring to my laundry… because that is definitely unlimited as is my dust and my dishes… Those areas are truly limitless in my life!

No, no the people at the Yogi Tea Company are not trying to taunt me; I must need to think outside the  "box", or in this case the "tea bag".
Maybe the reason this little note was put on this bag of stress-relief Lavender tea was because I need to be reminded that in FACT  I am Unlimited. Yes, yes the people at the Yogi Tea Co are pretty smart.  They had to know if I am buying stress relief tea then there is a good chance that I am probably stressed and feeling limited in my office or in my dusty house or confined and somewhat threatened by the mountainous piles laundry or in my case, all of the above.

The busyness that comes with my day-to-day life tends to make me forget I AM UNLIMITED.  As a mother, wife, friend, co-worker etc, etc.  I need to be reminded that my day-to-day life does not have to define or confine me, rather I can define my day-to-day life by remembering who I am and not being consumed with the busyness.

I have an UNLIMITED ability to love, dream, grow, and continue to be anything that my heart desires. I only become limited when I start to focus on my limitations. So today, Thanks to a beautiful little note, I will focus on the things that give me energy. I will focus on the positive things which make me smile; my heart sing and my mind explode with the UNLIMITED potential of this day!

EmJ

Fred...

The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

Psalm 23

I am so troubled lately. I am saddened by the pain I see all around me and I am defeated by the fact I can do nothing to ease the fracturing hearts I see in my world. I know the older I get the more reality I am exposed to because I'm no longer the one being protected, but now, I am the protector. The last few months have been a crash course in this role and I'm truly saddened by the way my heart is coping. In an effort to protect myself and be able to support those in need, I fear I have become callous. This callousness is not physical, nor do I feel that it is reflected in how I function around people but, rather the callous has built up on my heart and dulls the aching. I am certain that without the callous, let's call it Fred, I would have crumbled to bits weeks ago. So, Fred has his place. The part I am struggling with is, I don't like not being able to experience each and every emotion that comes with each and every situation. Fred has made it nearly impossible to cry in situations that would normally make me weep. It has steeled/stilled me against the heart-wrenching thoughts that pour into my psyche and has made me feel almost mechanical in dealing with things that are incredibly painful and require emotion.

This sucks.

I am an emotional person. I am not afraid of crying, nor am I afraid of dealing with the possibilities that this life brings BUT I don't like the numbness that I currently feel.

Perhaps I need to be grateful, God has given me this protection and have Faith that this is what I need so I can be the influence he desires. If this is the case then I pray, in earnest, that God's grace will be sufficient to cover me. He know I have never been good at accepting what I did not want.

The Plans of my Lord and Savior are Mighty and WAY out of my league, so who am I to question what I don't understand.

I just pray for the ability to be what he wants me to be, not what I want to be, for each of those beautiful, wonderful people who are coping with their new realities.

One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek:

That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,

To behold the beauty of the LordAnd to meditate in His temple.

For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle;

In the secret place of His tent He will hide me;

He will lift me up on a rock.

And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies around me,

And I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy;

I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the Lord.

Psalm 27:4-6

EmJ

What Simple looks like....

This is a follow-up on my previous post and my goal of simplifying life. Here are a few steps that I have taken to reach this goal....

Step 1:

We started a minor construction project that moved us out of our bedroom and reduced our living space by a half bath and 350 square feet.

Step 2: We adopted a new pet, Marty the box turtle.  We have no clue how to care for him or her, so my time spent on google is greatly increased to prevent a new addition to the 'pet cemetery' in the back yard. 

(The current tenants of the cemetery are two fish, three frogs, 1 crawdad, 3 lizards and a salamander.)

Step 3:

We started soccer for LJ & EJ which consumes 3 nights a week and a couple of hours on Saturday.

SO...PROJECT SIMPLIFY isn't really off to a great start but I am pretty sure if my life was simple I would be bored.

EmJ

Guilty as Charged

I confess... 
I am guilty as charged...
I knew there was nothing wrong with my tires...
The truth is, Sir, I really hate putting air in my tires. In reality, I didn't want to pay $1 for the privilege of wrestling a nasty hose which is ALWAYS beside an overflowing trash can. I get my pants and hands dirty, then I usually injure myself in some incredibly minor, yet unbelievably annoying way. Only to drive 20 miles down the road and have the low tire pressure light come on AGAIN. I will be happy to pay you for the inconvenience... 
Please forgive me...

How my kids see me...

This is what was running through my head as I sat clean, comfortable and non-injured in my truck. While I was sitting there feeling guilty for feinting ignorance on the issue, a very nice man at my Shell Quick Lube was going from tire to tire making sure this ridiculously easy task was handled properly. I just KNEW, at any minute, this extremely nice gentleman was probably going to call me out for being a prima donna and wasting his time.
Then it happened... He came to my window and said, "Everything looks fine. You had one tire a little low but the temperature was probably exaggerating the issue. Have a wonderful Day!!" "Great" I say, "How much do I owe you? Nothing, Are you sure?" Oh..Okay...!"
The guilt was unbearable...
Not only did he handle this job I hate, but he smiled throughout the process and wouldn't even take a dollar for the air and even turned down a tip...
Luckily, before the guilt got too out of hand and I went back and confessed my sin to him, I had a moment of clarity. These moments are rare, so I try to pay attention when they occur...
'I NEED TO STOP FEELING GUILTY FOR EVERYTHING! That nice gentleman was doing his job just like he does every time I pull in to get my oil changed. Heck, as much time as I spend in there he probably recognized the sound of my low pressure tires as they squealed into the parking lot!'

AMEN!

Of course this moment of clarity sent my over-active, under performing mind off on a tangent.
"WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO DO IT ALL BY MYSELF?"
Why does asking for help or for someone else to handle something make me feel, at minimum guilty and at worst like a failure?
Where in the world did this idea come from???
I am certain that no one has 'put this evil on me' so where did it come from?? I certainly didn't feel this way when I was younger. Heck when I was a teenager I took pride in getting things done for me and when I was in college I called the maintenance man at our apartment complex to change a light bulb!! So why, at this point in my life, when getting up at 5am and not sitting down until after 10pm doesn't get the tasks at hand accomplished, do I feel guilty for asking for help?
Insanity is the only answer that makes sense....

SO, my goals for the next month are the following:

1. ASK FOR HELP! No matter how small the task...AKA- Air in the tires...
2. TRUST OTHERS! Just because they don't do it my way, doesn't mean it is the wrong way.
3. SIMPLIFY! It is okay to eat out after 3 hours of soccer practice. 
4. SAY NO! Don't volunteer for anything else for at least four weeks. 
5. FOCUS INWARD. My family deserves my attention and it is okay to refuse to work with people that cause me to lose focus on what is important.
6. ME TIME. I need this...my family NEEDS me to have this time, Heck I am pretty sure the world NEEDS me to have this time!!

So there, the task is presented and I will be reporting back on how it goes.

EmJ

Can I ask you a question?

Over the last few weeks I have been asking ALOT of questions. For example, Why if the kitchen sink gets a terminal clog, will the back bathroom toilet blow a pump, while the front bathroom sink blows a water line? I didn't realize plumbing was similar to wild dogs and babies....if one goes wild the whole pack goes crazy...
OR
Why does our cat HOWL at 3am? And when I say howl I mean he acts as if he has his tail is permanently lodged under a self-rocking rocking chair! Is 3am the kitty witching hour? If so, how do I de-witch this hour without tossing the cat out the backdoor like a stinky bag of trash. If we don't get this cat fixed soon I may toss him out the back door and firmly hang on to the two round objects that seem to be causing the issue....
AND WHY, OH WHY, does it go for weeks without a drop of rain and then rain for days on end? My children need at least a few hours at the pool or outside to prevent my hair from spontaneously falling out! Their cabin fever doesn't wear well on me.... 
And last but definitely not least,
"God...Why is this happening?"
Although I am constantly asking many questions about why things happen the way they do, I think this last question is probably impossible to answer and maybe even a controversial to ask.
Are we supposed to question God?
Can we scream at him?
When we are faced with Everest sized moments can we stomp our feet, scream at the top of hearts, if not our lungs, "WHY!?!?! THIS ISN'T FAIR AND I DON'T WANT IT!!!
Right or wrong my heart and lungs have been screaming lately. These last few weeks I have seen and felt pain and frustration that is beyond description. And through everything I have heard many people say, "Don't question God's plan. Have faith that this will lead to his glory... although we can't see how, these nightmares WILL work to his glory."
I do not pretend to have faith that will move mountains. I don't. I try but in the face of great struggles I feel as if I barely have the faith to move a mustard seed. That being said, I don't think God expects us to go through the deepest valleys without petition. So, I question him, in anger, in frustration, in complete lack of understanding of how any of the current situations can lead to good, much less Glory.
And I feel a like God is saying, "It's okay! Question Me, cry out for understanding!"

I see it like this, on occasion SJ and I get sideways with each other...Let's say he doesn't fold my undies the way I like them folded. We have been together for 10 years, so this shouldn't be an issue, but lets say it is... When I open my drawer and see the problem I can handle it one of two ways. I can slam the drawer, I am a slammer when I am mad, then I can proceed to slam everything I touch for the next two days while saying, "Nothing is wrong Dear... I am Fine!" OR I can talk to him. Depending on the situation talking could involve just talking or screaming, crying and stomping feet. The important part is the communication. If we communicate we will learn from each other and get closer. If we don't communicate and continually internalize the small things, the small things will become big things and the big things will become insurmountable.

I believe God is okay with questions, pleading, even anger and frustration. He wants us to scream, 'Why! Why, did this happen? I don't want this and I don't want to prove I can handle this!'  When we cry out to God, in anger, in frustration and in sadness, when we yell, cry or plead we start the conversation, we start the healing and begin to move past the initial emotions. When the emotions are exposed they can begin to heal then we can begin learn from God. We will grow closer to him, learn to lean on him solely and start to experience the peace that surpasses understanding. Without the conversation, the grief overwhelms, the pain devours and the anger destroys.
So, Can You Ask A Question....YES YOU CAN!!

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity...

Jeremiah 29:11-14

EmJ

Calm of the Deep

Tide Rises, the Tide Falls

Photo by D-Wight
 all rights reserved

Along the sea-sands damp and brown
The traveler hastens toward the town,
And the tide rises, the tide falls.
Darkness settles on roofs and walls,
But the sea, the sea in darkness calls;
The little waves, with their soft, white hands
Efface the footprints in the sands,
And the tide rises, the tide falls.
The morning breaks; the steeds in their stalls
Stamp and neigh, as the hostler calls;
The day returns, but nevermore
Returns the traveler to the shore.
And the tide rises, the tide falls. 

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I love the ocean... I have always loved the ocean. I loved it when I was a child, even when I got stung by jellyfish. I loved it when I was a teenager for the freedom it presented.  I loved it even more when I was in college and learned to scuba dive. I spent a tremendous portion of my Sophomore and Junior years under some type of water, whether it was in the HYPER building pool on UTK's campus, the springs of Northern Florida or in the Florida Keys. Training myself or others how to truly enjoy the depths of the ocean devoured me in college.
People would often ask,"Are you not afraid of the depth, the critters, or various other possibilities?" The answer was always, and still is,
"No, the depth brings a peace I can not explain, you just have to experience it to understand it."

When you are 100 ft underwater the silence is exhilarating, the calm is so deep it rings to your core and the beauty is unimaginable. Pictures do it no justice and words can't lift it high enough to explain the overwhelming calm and peace that comes from being totally cut off from the world. I guess I should say, you aren't TOTALLY cut off because I am certain if the boat disappeared and the tank pressure dropped to zero the OH SO amazing calm would flitter off like a school of fish being stalked by a Great White. You are, however, cut off from the effects of this world. You hear nothing, save the air bubbles flowing from your regulator, you see nothing, but the vastness in front of you and you feel nothing, but the very gentle ebb and flow of the ocean around you.

I think the last part of that statement is probably one of the most impressive experiences I have ever been blessed enough to experience. No matter how rough the ocean is on the surface, when you are deep in the ocean's belly the roughness is reduced to a slow, gentle movement. I remember one time we were going to a dive festival in the Florida Keys and the water was so rough that half the potential divers were 'feeding the fishes' while praying for God to calm the seas. It was rough... BUT the dive master promised us that the rough ride would be worth it when we got to the deep water festival. "This was going to be awesome" he told us, "when we get out to the reef all the dive boats will be piping music into the water and you will be able to swim around the reef and listen to the best beach music" But the only music we heard at that moment was yak & hurl, a green band with lots of members on our little dive boat. So let's just say, I had my doubts, at this point, that the dive would be as smooth as he was promising. When we reached the reef, the ocean was delivering roughly 5-6 foot waves but at the dive masters encouragement we suited up and jumped in.... SMACK....wave....CHOKE....inhaled wave.... I couldn't get deep enough, fast enough! So I exhaled the air from my BC and sank like a rock into the deep, rough waters.
Then it happened~ I huge wave rolled by, I saw the boats rock and roll above me and all I felt was a gentle lift and fall... ebb and flow.... I was astonished! For the next few minutes I floated, suspended in the middle of the ocean like a fish, just absorbing the gentle movement of the water around me. I knew the waves on the surface were not calm, I could see the boats rolling and smacking the surface, but the movement I felt was SO gentle! It was amazing to recognize the difference just a few feet of depth could make in the how I experienced the world around me. After a few minutes of floating the dive proceed and I got to experience life on the reef while listening to steel drums, not as peaceful as a normal dive but definitely a fun experience.
I had not thought of this dive in a long time, and then, a few Sundays ago Dr. Haun was talking about the Fruits of the Spirit, you know: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self Control; but specifically the fruit of Joy. In his sermon he mentioned that while Joy and happiness are often linked they are not the same. Happiness isn't always an indicator of Joy and Joy is not always reflected as happiness. While happiness is based on outward circumstances and conditions, true Joy is inward. Joy is a tremendously deep dimension of delight and enthusiasm that can't not be rocked by the ups and downs (ebbs and flows) of this life. Joy comes from the inside, a deep place within our heart and mind that stills us against the waves of this life.

When we are hanging off the back of the boat of life, wrenching up our toe nails, we know as soon as we jump in the depths of God's word we will feel peace. The movement of the situation will still be present but it will not rock us to the core.  The Joy the Bible is talking about in Galatians 5: 22-23 & Psalms 28:7 strengthens our core so it is not shakeable. It makes us solid and able to withstand the outward waves with out losing our inward enthusiasm.

EmJ

Okay...it's been a while...

I apologize for the extended absence.  I had no idea how wonderfully exhausting May would be, but good news.... I SURVIVED! I have been told some people have resorted to watching reruns for the last month and for this I am terribly sorry. Although, I was told the reruns were of the Big Bang Theory.  At least the laughter continued and maybe you can catch me up on the reruns because I have even missed those!

Here is a little summary on what we have been up to and why 'It's been a while...'

It was a rainy but great day!

Me and my beautiful Mom!

Mom completed her BSN, which you can read about in Perseverance. This degree was a long time coming and getting it finished in the midst of full on life was something worthy of celebration!

Mom and Her classmates.

The Sonon Sharks!

1st grade graduation.

LJ wrapped up a STELLAR year in 1st grade with a fun-filled field day, rockstar day (with a rockstar teacher!) and a 1st grade graduation. With previous struggles in the shadows and wonderful, WONDERFUL teachers in the present and future LJ has never been more excited about school!

My two rockstars and Mrs. Sonon

EJ is crowned.

EJ and GG

Then, we got to see a new king crowned, as EJ accepted the crown of Mr. Treehouse. He then graduated. In his acceptance speech he vowed to be as cool and charming as ever when he moves to his new school in the fall.

EJ gives the thumbs up!

Then came the birthdays....OH the birthdays....

Mom's Orchid Cake.

Mom's 60th. 

Mom's birthday was a surprise and took some planning, but ended up a wonderful night with 'old' friends.

Reminiscing with friends,
 family and photos.

LJ turned 8 this year and decided that he didn't want presents he wanted to have a shoe drive. We still had to have a little family party for him.

EJ turned 5 this year and wanted a zombie cake! This one took some work but thanks to Amy Fraser and her creative cakes, he got a 5 year old friendly zombie cake!

The Shoes.....

The Shoes... Over 250 pairs!

As I mentioned before, LJ came up with the idea to collect shoes at EJ and LJ's annual combined birthday party (downside to VERY CLOSE BIRTHDAYS). He said, "I don't want presents, I want people to bring shoes..new, used, big, small, fancy or plain...the type doesn't matter I just want SHOES!" He just wanted his friends to help support a foreign mission. He said that he had enough toys...mama almost hit the floor, while EJ hit the ceiling...he wasn't quite on board with the no presents idea....=)  SO, this took a little more planning than a normal party. I will be happy to collect the shoes but then what? How do you get them to a foreign country? Who does this and what do I need to do to get the ball rolling? FYI the who and how was answered with Hearts of Christ Ministry. Can I make this a successful event? Well, YES!  If your 8 year old child wants to do a mission event for his birthday, YOU MAKE IT A SUCCESSFUL EVENT!!!

And a success it was! We sent out the invites, prayed for a beautiful day and asked our friends and family to come support LJ and EJ in their mission to help others. 

The delivery to Hearts Of Christ. The shoes will
be distributed locally and in Belize.

The Friends...

And last but not least...


The Anniversary...10 years!

The famous self portrait...

Two kids acting like adults....

Me and the Mister at Chateau Elon.

More to come VERY, VERY Soon.
EmJ