Run for your life.

Running...

When do we run?

What causes us to increase our gait from a leisurely stroll to a breathtaking pace?

Fear.
When you are 8 and you have to go to the basement to get something. I remember slinking slowly down the stairs so the devil waiting for me would not immediately notice my presence. Then after retrieving whatever was required, I would bolt up the stairs, three and four steps at a time, because the monster was now keenly aware of my presence and was racing after me as fast as its ten legs could carry it.

                                         Joy.
Sitting on the plane dealing with the normal insanity of exiting the plane. You know the people that have decided just because we are safely on the ground means nothing. They must get their bags and get off it immediately to avoid the plane crashing into the luggage truck. I calmly wait for them to flee. I retrieve my items and walk the gangway to find my family and head home. I cross the threshold then the joy of seeing my boys, all three of them, overwhelms me and I can't get to them fast enough. I run to them and hold them as if they may disappear.



Excitement.
We get in the car and drive 20 hours, actually 20 minutes, to the lake. The boys asking are we there yet, are we there yet, ARE WE THERE YET??? We turn down the short gravel road and they yell STOP!! We stop the car, they jump out and run down the drive, into the house, out the back door, fishing gear in hand and to the dock they race.

Emotions carry us sometimes. They can cause our hearts to race and our feet to move as if they are directly connected to the pace of our hearts. What if there is no driving emotion? What makes people want to step out of the house and just run? Nothing chasing, nothing driving, no obvious reward?

I now know.

Roots and Wings 2011

I started running about 3 years ago. It started as a means to a smaller end, rear-end to be exact. I didn't really like it but it seemed to be the best and cheapest way to accomplish the goal of shedding the baby weight. So I ran. In the beginning a mile felt like 10 and appeared impossible. Then the first mile became the hurdle, the second mile I found my pace and three seemed like a stretch but what the heck.
In July 2011 I ran my first 5k race, 3.1 miles, and the .1 was the hardest part of the race. I crossed the finish line and my first thought was NOT I did it or That was awesome. Nothing even remotely that inspirational. My first thought was, 'Oh God, when I puke on the finish line it is going to be really embarrassing.' Then the realization, 'I did it... I Did it and I DID IT IN A RESPECTABLE AMOUNT OF TIME!! I still may vomit....'
Now two years later I have completed my first 10k running at roughly a 10 minute mile, not setting any records or winning any races, but WOW 6.2 miles. What makes you run when emotion isn't pushing you? Emotion that is pulling you. I know, it sounds weird but this time the emotion is almost the reward rather than the catalyst. It hurts, you have to push yourself constantly and NO ONE will say wow you only ran 4 miles... I am really disappointed that you didn't finish the race. The only person that will be disappointed is me. Just like I am the only one who knows how amazing it feels to fight through the desire to quit,  push myself through the pain and cross that finish line. I did it, I FREAKING DID IT!!

CRBR 2013

Running is a metaphor for life. It isn't easy and sometimes we want to quit, but to run through the pain, the thoughts of I can't do it, I don't want to do it or I have gone further than most and cross the finish line strong is an indescribable feeling that most people will never understand. Marriage, parenting and friendships are the races that we run in this life and the more you put in the more you get out of them. We can't sit on the couch for months and then run a marathon just like we can't stand on the sidelines of our relationships and hope they finish strong. We have to train, fight through the struggles, and get past our own thoughts of, 'I can't do it' or 'I don't want to do it' and we will cross the finish line of life and be able to say, "I DID IT! I didn't give up and WOW what an amazing run!"

What makes me run? The finish line.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Hebrews 12:1-3

SAY WHAT?

"What we've got here is failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach..."

-Cool Hand Luke 

I live with three men... 

So we, at times, have a failure to communicate. There are attempts at communication, we grunt, we vocalize each and every thought with sarcastic excellence, we look at each other with eyes so wide that eyeballs could hit the floor.  Yet, still a failure to communicate. 
How do I improve my family's ability to communicate WITHOUT yelling so loud I am communicating with the neighbors?  
Well... 
I think I will start with an equation I often quote to my children..."God gave you two ears and one mouth, so you need to listen twice as much as you talk."  I am not very good at walking the walk on this one. Those who know me, know I am a bit of a controller.  I prefer controller, over control freak...it just sounds better. So the idea of letting one of my guys, particularly the smaller ones, take the time to finish a thought before I address the issue and move on just seems like an inefficient use of precious time. 
Hmmm... maybe step two is slowing down.
If my time is so precious I feel I have to rush through conversations with my children and husband in order to move on to something else, maybe we don't have a failure to communicate maybe I have a scheduling issue. I think this relates back to to the controller mind set. It is just easier to do everything myself, so just shut up, move and let me do it. EEK, that sounds awful...awfully accurate....
Oy... So, some of the failure in communication seems to be related to my need to control the situation and move on to the next task. However, the main issue I see in our small but mighty family has yet to come to light. 
TONE... OH the TONE!
If you have watched even one minute of The Voice on NBC you have probably heard the phrase, "It was a bit pitchy" or in layman's terms it was off key or out of tune. If we were a family singing group I think we would be termed pitchy. I know we would definitely be pitchy in song because I can't carry a tune in a bucket, but more importantly we tend to be pitchy in  how we communicate with each other. 
For example, when EJ looks me dead in the eye, in all of his 45lb glory, and throws a 200lb attitude at me you have to wonder where he learned such a talent. Or when LJ, who is old enough to know better, tells SJ to, "Go Get Me XYZ" without so much as please or a glance in his father's general direction, I have to wonder if we, the leaders of this household, are leading by example? As adults, outside the home, SJ and I have to communicate with prospects, clients and the general public in a non-pitchy, over-explanatory manner which can not be rushed because clarity is crucial. What happens to this talent when we walk in the door at home? Do we turn into grunting, bossy balls of attitude that demand understanding without explanation? Well, apparently yes, YES we do... and this is obvious by how our children communicate with us. OOPS!  

So where do we go from here? Well, that is the fun thing... ANYWHERE WE WANT TO! We are a family of smart alecks who tend to be hurried and pitchy but we love each other and we are learning to communicate S-L-O-W-L-Y but surely. We have nowhere to go but up. We can learn from the knowledge that none of us like to be bossed around, yelled at or grunted at and most importantly our TONE sets the tone of the communication. If I want my children to calmly and clearly communicate their needs and wants with me then I must do the same with them. When I master this ability, they will too.  So if there is a failure to communicate maybe I don't need to look at what is being said but rather HOW it is being said!

EmJ 

You better Run...

I have an issue.
How after a close to a year of working perfectly does a medication just stop? How can something formulated to do the same task day in, day out just wake up one morning and say, "Today I am done."
GRRRRR.....
10 months, TEN FREAKING MONTHS of consistent behavior came to a screeching halt in August. At first we thought we were imagining it, SJ and I would just look at each other with the look of 'did you see/hear that?' Next the looks turned to, 'Oh my god where did that come from?' Then came the screaming and gnashing of teeth.... And then slowly we began to realize, "OH Hell, here we go again."

It started small, a back talk here, an impulsive reaction there, an inability to stop talking in school. Then it progressed to SJ and I trailing him everywhere he went to make sure that he was behaving appropriately. The calls to his new teacher increased and new plans were formulated, none of which seemed to help. Sentences were written, and written and written again.

I will be respectful.
I will not talk in class.
I will keep my hands to myself and be kind to my friends.
I will be obedient and respectful to my parents and teachers.
I will be respectful.
I will not talk in class.

I will keep my hands to myself and be kind to my friends.

I will be obedient and respectful to my parents and teachers. 

I will be respectful.

I will not talk in class.

I will keep my hands to myself and be kind to my friends.

I will be obedient and respectful to my parents and teachers. 

Some nights 50+ sentences did nothing to change the struggles occurring day in and day out...NOTHING (those of with children ask them to write 50 sentences and see what happens) Tears, screams and frustration occurred but in the end we were all just tired, tear streaked, and frustrated. Only to repeat the exhausting process again the next day. 

One night I was particularly exhausted and crying to a friend when she said, "Emily do you think he can control it? I mean if I told Ladybug she would be writing 50 sentences if she got in trouble, she would be an angel. They are 8, 50 sentences is the equivalent of a life sentence." 

I called the doctor the next day....

It amazed me that in ten short months I fell right back into the helpless routine. 'I can't fix it.. We are doing the same thing we have been doing and it isn't working...' 

DUH... Then make a change. 

How quickly we forget the struggles of the past when things are going well...Thanks friend for pointing out the obvious when I was so oblivious.

So here we go again.

Medication adjustments, controlled environments and constantly trying to figure out what will work best. No Television Monday through Friday, LOTS of exercise and coping skills for all.

ADHD sucks... but it will not define my son, We will redefine it and by God (literally) we will not only survive it we will thrive throughout it. 

I saw this image on Facebook the other day and I love the message. It gives a new spin to the old saying:

'That which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.' 

This will not kill us. We will be stronger. ADHD better run.

EmJ

Fred...

The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

Psalm 23

I am so troubled lately. I am saddened by the pain I see all around me and I am defeated by the fact I can do nothing to ease the fracturing hearts I see in my world. I know the older I get the more reality I am exposed to because I'm no longer the one being protected, but now, I am the protector. The last few months have been a crash course in this role and I'm truly saddened by the way my heart is coping. In an effort to protect myself and be able to support those in need, I fear I have become callous. This callousness is not physical, nor do I feel that it is reflected in how I function around people but, rather the callous has built up on my heart and dulls the aching. I am certain that without the callous, let's call it Fred, I would have crumbled to bits weeks ago. So, Fred has his place. The part I am struggling with is, I don't like not being able to experience each and every emotion that comes with each and every situation. Fred has made it nearly impossible to cry in situations that would normally make me weep. It has steeled/stilled me against the heart-wrenching thoughts that pour into my psyche and has made me feel almost mechanical in dealing with things that are incredibly painful and require emotion.

This sucks.

I am an emotional person. I am not afraid of crying, nor am I afraid of dealing with the possibilities that this life brings BUT I don't like the numbness that I currently feel.

Perhaps I need to be grateful, God has given me this protection and have Faith that this is what I need so I can be the influence he desires. If this is the case then I pray, in earnest, that God's grace will be sufficient to cover me. He know I have never been good at accepting what I did not want.

The Plans of my Lord and Savior are Mighty and WAY out of my league, so who am I to question what I don't understand.

I just pray for the ability to be what he wants me to be, not what I want to be, for each of those beautiful, wonderful people who are coping with their new realities.

One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek:

That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,

To behold the beauty of the LordAnd to meditate in His temple.

For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle;

In the secret place of His tent He will hide me;

He will lift me up on a rock.

And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies around me,

And I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy;

I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the Lord.

Psalm 27:4-6

EmJ

Guilty as Charged

I confess... 
I am guilty as charged...
I knew there was nothing wrong with my tires...
The truth is, Sir, I really hate putting air in my tires. In reality, I didn't want to pay $1 for the privilege of wrestling a nasty hose which is ALWAYS beside an overflowing trash can. I get my pants and hands dirty, then I usually injure myself in some incredibly minor, yet unbelievably annoying way. Only to drive 20 miles down the road and have the low tire pressure light come on AGAIN. I will be happy to pay you for the inconvenience... 
Please forgive me...

How my kids see me...

This is what was running through my head as I sat clean, comfortable and non-injured in my truck. While I was sitting there feeling guilty for feinting ignorance on the issue, a very nice man at my Shell Quick Lube was going from tire to tire making sure this ridiculously easy task was handled properly. I just KNEW, at any minute, this extremely nice gentleman was probably going to call me out for being a prima donna and wasting his time.
Then it happened... He came to my window and said, "Everything looks fine. You had one tire a little low but the temperature was probably exaggerating the issue. Have a wonderful Day!!" "Great" I say, "How much do I owe you? Nothing, Are you sure?" Oh..Okay...!"
The guilt was unbearable...
Not only did he handle this job I hate, but he smiled throughout the process and wouldn't even take a dollar for the air and even turned down a tip...
Luckily, before the guilt got too out of hand and I went back and confessed my sin to him, I had a moment of clarity. These moments are rare, so I try to pay attention when they occur...
'I NEED TO STOP FEELING GUILTY FOR EVERYTHING! That nice gentleman was doing his job just like he does every time I pull in to get my oil changed. Heck, as much time as I spend in there he probably recognized the sound of my low pressure tires as they squealed into the parking lot!'

AMEN!

Of course this moment of clarity sent my over-active, under performing mind off on a tangent.
"WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO DO IT ALL BY MYSELF?"
Why does asking for help or for someone else to handle something make me feel, at minimum guilty and at worst like a failure?
Where in the world did this idea come from???
I am certain that no one has 'put this evil on me' so where did it come from?? I certainly didn't feel this way when I was younger. Heck when I was a teenager I took pride in getting things done for me and when I was in college I called the maintenance man at our apartment complex to change a light bulb!! So why, at this point in my life, when getting up at 5am and not sitting down until after 10pm doesn't get the tasks at hand accomplished, do I feel guilty for asking for help?
Insanity is the only answer that makes sense....

SO, my goals for the next month are the following:

1. ASK FOR HELP! No matter how small the task...AKA- Air in the tires...
2. TRUST OTHERS! Just because they don't do it my way, doesn't mean it is the wrong way.
3. SIMPLIFY! It is okay to eat out after 3 hours of soccer practice. 
4. SAY NO! Don't volunteer for anything else for at least four weeks. 
5. FOCUS INWARD. My family deserves my attention and it is okay to refuse to work with people that cause me to lose focus on what is important.
6. ME TIME. I need this...my family NEEDS me to have this time, Heck I am pretty sure the world NEEDS me to have this time!!

So there, the task is presented and I will be reporting back on how it goes.

EmJ

One Gray Hair....

I found a gray hair...
in my eyebrow...
SJ says this is were it starts &
it is all downhill from this point...
he would know...

I think this grey hair is a sign. A sign the stress I store neatly down deep has finally started seeping to the surface and an impending explosion is very near. Now if you are a friend or family member you are probably safe. If you are a customer you may want to take cover....
My family and friends are the ones who already deal with my stressed out state.  My customers, the ones who push me to this stressed out, wild-eyed (with a grey hair) point, reap none of the blissful insanity to which they drive me. This stinks!! I am so nice to the people that push me to the edge and so short-fused with the ones I love. Yes, I know my customers help pay my bills & this does play into the control I display. However, how many of those customers are going to be around when I am old and GRAYER to wipe whatever needs wiping????  Yeah...the room falls silent...
So as of today I think this dynamic is going to have to change.  So far only one of the troublemakers has gotten an ear full and this was after four e-mails and five phone calls in less than an hour. FYI....THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO FIX THE ISSUE YOU ARE HAVING IN AN HOUR... If you are one of those people who harass and harass to get a situation handled because you have heard the ugly rumor 'the squeaky wheel gets the grease' let me clarify something, you may get grease but it may come from the bottom of my tire when I chase you down...' Please don't be this person....
Okay, so back to the lone gray, eyebrow hair... I am not fond of the idea that my hair is deciding to verbalize my frustrations! What right does my hair have to out me? If I can manage to keep the stress under control and minimize the number of times I blow a clients ears back, why should my hair 'turn' on me???  I guess maybe an unnamed child or husband could have been praying for something to get my attention...
Surely they wouldn't be this cruel....
EmJ
***no customers were harmed in the making of this post...***