Saturday, March 31, 2012


glory [glawr-ee, glohr-ee] (glawr-ee is definitely the southern version)
Something that is a source of honor, fame or admiration; a distinguished ornament or an object of pride. 

The Winter is long and the toils are great but at last Spring breaks.

The frost fades and the ground warms . The dormant beauties begin to stretch their arms, as they inhale the warm breeze and bathe in the rays of the new Sun.

Then as promised, His glory is manifest through their patience and restoration begins...

...if only for a season.
Then your light will break forth like the morning and your restoration will quickly appear...
Isaiah 58:8


Saturday, March 24, 2012

What if worms had machine guns?

What would happen if worms had machine guns? Would they be able to take over the world? Probably good rain storm would wash them and their tiny machine guns away. Now if they had lifeboats and machine guns we might be in trouble! This line of thought has absolutely NO point. Nothing deep or impactful just a thought a friend shared with me a few weeks ago. A thought I actually spent some time pondering for no other reason than it was kind of funny.  This may actually confirm what some of you were already thinking, I am a tad bit crazy. Crazy is still undiagnosed but I am a firm believer that silliness and fun are what make life bearable and if you can throw in a smidgen of randomness you should be good.
Recently I have both read and heard the statement, "Life is hard, not because you are doing it wrong, but because it is just hard!" This is SOOO true, and because it is SOOO true I think it is incredibily important to make fun a priority. As an adult it is very easy to get lost in the tedious nature of the position, so making fun a priority becomes just as important as paying the electric bill. (But don't forget to pay the electric bill or you will learn how to have fun 1800's style)
Here are a few things I try to remind myself to do as often as possible:

  • PLAY!! As much and as hard as you can!

  • Daydream...look for beauty everywhere and remember what you 'used' to do before the responsibilities and laundry began to pile up.
  • Try to find something that you want to do, enjoy doing and do it! (not because you have too, but because it makes you feel alive.)
  • Act like a fool to make your family, friends or, most importantly, yourself laugh! (within reason, I am not bailing anyone out of jail)

  • Remember not to take yourself to seriously. (this will cause other adults to roll their eyes and look for the nearest exit.)

Most importantly never forget, the memories we make in the good times are what carry us through the rough times.....



Friday, March 23, 2012

I can't get no....satisfaction...

A note that I jotted down in the midst of a minor meltdown:

'I am out of sorts. I have turned my world on its ear. Although I am certain it was my idea, being here, upside down in a world that was right side up just weeks ago is strange and uncomfortable. I know change is the only constant and I am generally okay with small amounts of change. However, the problem with this change is I don't know where I am going or exactly what I am doing. And the fact that everything is so exciting and nauseatingly unfamiliar at the same time makes me want to sit in the floor and cry.'

At the ripe old age of 33 I have come to the conclusion that I don't like change. I have also found that change is ALWAYS present and NEVER comfortable. I have heard a quote several times and I am not exactly sure who said it first but here it is:
'People will resist change until the pain of not changing exceeds the pain of change.'
AMEN, if I can avoid it for just a little while longer that is what I will choose! The interesting part of this is, every time a 'change' has occurred in my life, big or small, welcome or unwelcome, I feel like a better and stronger woman on the other side.
So I could ask, "Why is change so hard?" but really that is a stupid question. (I know you have been told there are no stupid questions but that isn't true. There are a few stupid think before you ask...)
Change sucks because it requires new thought, new actions and revision to the daily routine that is so comfortable and easy. So the question is not, 'why is it so hard?' but rather, "How do we recognize the difference between satisfaction and complacency?" When do we agree to make a change because it is the right decision, NOT the EASY one, NOT the COMFORTABLE one, but the right one to move us forward. And going one step further how do we recognize that we need to seek out change because we have allowed complacency to dominate our life?

For as much change as I have experienced in my adult life one would think I would be at least ok with new really.... I am pretty sure the drastic amount of upheaval experienced thus far has made me cling desperately to moments of consistency. Thank goodness for my wonderful husband! I am married to a man that is 'never' satisfied and is always in motion. In this area he is my 'nudger', always supportive but always 'suggesting' new ideas, remodels, reconstructions etc, etc. (His willingness to randomly teardown walls is why I have a walk-in closet and a remodeled kitchen that I love)  Complacency is not his nemesis, it is mine. Although I have accused him on more than one occasion of 'never being satisfied' (to which he responds with his biggest grin, 'I am an idea man') the truth is we balance each other out. We are constantly pushing and pulling one another to stay put and keep moving and this helps A LOT!
The trickier idea is figuring out this balance internally. How do you motivate yourself to step out on the 'proverbial' ledge on occasion, while reigning in your desires and becoming 'satisfied'.
For Example, my career. I am happy...very happy..with my current position, it challenges me to continually improve but it also allows me to be me. I don't do very well with schedules, former bosses will concur. Despite the happiness with my career the question that has plagued me recently is, "I'm happy, but am I allowing myself to be complacent?' I am at the point in my career that the good part of my reputation precedes me and therefore I get requests for interviews and resumes. But I am happy, so I say, 'No, but thank you for asking!' These positions can be bigger and better or smaller and incredibly intriguing but the response has always been, 'No, but thank you for asking'. Even when the opportunity to promote within my company locally presented itself....Nope, I am good.
HMMMM.....Am I satisfied or complacent? who knows....(wink, wink) But I do believe it is very important to recognize the difference between being happy and being unwilling to face change.

Change is good even if it is exhausting. The more we try to avoid it the bigger it becomes, like a boogey man in the closet it only grows with time. Facing change with open arms and excitement is a bit of a stretch but ignoring it only makes it more difficult.

There is a time for everything, 
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die, 
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
 a time to keep and a time to throw away, 
a time to tear and a time to mend, 
a time to be silent and a time to speak, 
a time to love and a time to hate,
 a time for war and a time for peace.

There is a time for change don't ignore it, face it and know that no matter how difficult it appears in the moment, one day you will look back and say, "WOW, that wasn't so bad!"

Friday, March 16, 2012


picture from flickr: vonSchnauzer
Your vision is blurry from years of taking in the images of life. Your head spins with tasks incomplete. Your heart yearns for one more year, one more month, one more day, one more moment, yet your body is weary for the tasks completed. Warmth consumes you as you finally lay down, giving in to the inevitable. Like a warm bed after a long day, soft and enrapturing, the urge to close your eyes wins and last you rest. 
Waking refreshed and completely restored in the arms of the Father.

Death is a subject that I, much like the rest of the world, do not want to contemplate. I know it is out there and I am comfortable with my place in eternity, but the idea of being separated from the ones that I love, even for a short period, makes my heart weary. For as much as I don't want to think about the one certainty this life holds, sometimes the choice is not mine. When death enters our lives we have to deal with it, when you have kids you have to try to explain it (this can be worse than dealing with it). How do you explain death? The End or the Beginning? I am a Christian, so in my eyes, it is a little of both. But as comfortable as I am with the end/beginning, my boys don't really follow my train of thought. Maybe it derailed and I haven't been notified....
I tried to explain it in the, 'ashes to ashes, dust to dust' way and I was quickly greeted with horrified looks and shouts of, "WE TURN TO DUST?!?! Like the guy in Indiana Jones!!!" "Well, No, it doesn't just happened like POOF!, it is a longer process...." horrified looks intensify....
I started to explain it like a deep sleep, but realized this could make bedtimes a nightmare. So I quickly stop and say, "well, hmmm" as I appear to be pondering a new way of explaining I am, in reality, congratulating myself for stopping while I was ahead...  Death, like this line of questioning, intimidates the hell out of me. I am not afraid of it, I just can't get my head around it and I STRUGGLE with things that I can't fathom. So what now...I can't explain it in a non-terrifying/poofy manner and my intimidation level is causing me to say hmmm...ALOT.   All the while, my children are looking at me like deer in the head lights. So I do what any good mother does..."Boys, enough talk, eat your supper...."
Picture from Flickr: MCar
This conversation, for all the damage it may have done to my children, really helped me realize it isn't the aftermath that bothers me it is the actual event. The fact that there is no way to know when, where, or why makes a control freak like me a teeny bit uncomfortable. The reality that nothing will ever change this fact is what makes me leary when I try to think or talk about it.  However, the more I allowed myself to think about it, not in a grim way, but in a way that I can grasp, the more the intimidation melted away . What if in the moment you surrender to death it feels like you are finally getting the rest you have been longing for? Think about it for just a second! No matter how exhausted we are in this life we don't want to let ourselves stop and rest. We fight through more work, more dishes, more laundry, more dust, and more things that make us feel as if we need just a little more time. But eventually the weight of the tasks accomplished cause us to stop, we then realize rest is the only thing we can now handle. At this moment your bed has never felt better, and although your mind spins with the incomplete tasks, the weariness wins and you are finally still....

Spolier....The next part is the best!

After the collapse, after the surrender and when the stillness is stirred once again.  You wake up refreshed and ready.

Now, this idea I can relate to, this idea doesn't intimidate energizes me!!!

It is the same way with the resurrection of the dead,
Our earthly bodies are planted in the ground when we die, 
but they will be raised to live forever.
Our bodies are buried in brokenness, but they will be raised in glory. 
They are buried in weakness, but they will be raised in strength.
1 Corinthians 15-42-44
Picture from flickr: Djensen
But then it occurred to me...We don't have to be speaking about a physical death and the same rules apply!!

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 
Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me,
For I am gentle and lowly in heart,
you will find rest for your souls,
For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-29

Now that is comforting.


Sunday, March 11, 2012

Bright Ideas

When was the last time you did something that was uncomfortable? I am not referring to squeezing into your skinny jeans, I am referring to something that pushed you outside your daily comfort zone. Have you ever had the urge to call someone that you haven't spoken with in months and you don't know why you have a desire to call them, you just do? Do you call them or do you make an excuse of why you can't call them; "I don't have time", "I don't know what to say" or "The last time we spoke it didn't go well and I am not in the mood to do to that again." There are a multitude of excuses, but the bottom-line is it makes you uncomfortable and we don't like being uncomfortable (unless it is in the name of fashion).

Are we afraid? Does this go back to the Fear that I discussed earlier, where some of us like it and some of us don't? I don't think so. I love scuba diving with a 500lb Grouper chasing me but the idea of telling a stranger I think they have a beautiful smile terrifies me! But every so often I get the urge to tell a complete stranger they are beautiful, they made me smile with their kindness or that their children are making me laugh even though they are making them crazy. Why is this so hard? It's not like I am consenting to jump out of a plane, it is a few words that may change the course of their day. I know this because kind words from a stranger or not so stranger have changed the course of my day many times. How wonderful does it feel to have someone smile at you and say, "your smile has brightened my day" or "I love your shirt"? It makes you stand a little taller and feel a little stronger, doesn't it? How about those times you have had a horrific day at work and you aren't sure you are going to survive the night, but the simple task of getting the mail becomes a day changer. There, in the midst of the bills, junk and catalogues is a small envelope addressed to you from a high school friend that you haven't spoken with in years. The note is short and sweet saying, 'I just had you on my heart and wanted to say hello! I hope all is well'. At that moment your heart warms, your frown cracks and everything gets a little easier.
If you want to believe this is a coincidence please do. I, however, choose to believe it is something so much cooler than coincidence. Let's consider this specific event. Sometime, about a week prior to my crappy day, someone that I rarely speak to, (with exception of 'likes' and 'LOL's' on Facebook),  decided to write me a note. She then placed it in the mail to be delivered on the very day that I needed an unexpected smile. I choose to believe that God knew I was going to need to smile that night and he put a desire in my friend's heart that COULD make it happen. The trick to making this chain of events work is that when that little voice said, "Hey I should send Emily a card" my friend didn't make excuses or worry about what I would think, she just did it and the 'plan' worked.

His plan. Worked.

Another example of this phenomena is I love to send snail mail cards. I really, really enjoy sending hand-written, old-fashioned cards. I know this is not the new fancy way of communication. I could e-mail, text, message or poke someone but, its just not the same (especially the 'poking' that is just strange). There is something about having tangible proof that someone thought about you and followed through on that thought all the way to the post office.  Sometimes I have a purpose, sometimes I just have a desire to let someone know that I am thinking about them. But no matter the inspiration for the card it never ceases to amaze me how many times these cards are delivered on the exact day the recipient needs it. It also amazes me that even though I really enjoy sending these cards it is still difficult to send them every time someones name pops into my head. The sad thing is, it is not difficult because of any good reason, it is difficult because of the excuses that quickly arrive on the heals of the name. I am busy, I don't have any cards or stamps etc. etc. etc.
I recently asked a bunch of friends to step out of their comfort zones and send a note of encouragement to a friend that most of them did not know. This friend is recovering from surgery and I wanted to express to her that even though she didn't know them a multitude of people would be praying for her as she healed. I knew that asking people to send a card to someone that they didn't know would require them to step outside their comfort zone and I didn't know if everyone would be willing. But they were willing (my friends are amazing) and she received tons of support through random acts of kindness and love from women she had never met. The tug on my heart to do something different, to do something that depended on the willingness of others to do something that was outside the norm has made an incredible impact not only on my friend but me as well.


If we will make ourselves available to add something to the world around us, be a small light in this world, we can make a difference. We will impact each other in amazing and life changing ways. I will testify that it is not easy to reach out, it is easier to make the excuses, look away and pretend the thought never crossed my mind. BUT consider the possibilities if you ignore the excuses and step out of your comfort zone. Look in the eyes of a stranger and acknowledge the desire to speak or reach out, regardless of if it makes 'sense' to you. What if instead of worrying that complimenting a total stranger will make us look strange, we were more concerned with WHY we so desperately want to say something to a stranger. If you step outside yourself and your comfort zone, obey the call in your heart, you may find that you can be the love that somebody desperately needs at that exact moment.

WOW... if we will do this, the future has never looked so bright!

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:14-16


The spectacular picture above was provided by my friend Patty Christopher, who has become a beautiful light in my life! Please visit her at

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Wildly Inappropriate

Picture this. We are at the doctors office, a typical Pediatrician's exam room, various animals on the wall, a single 'parent' chair, an examination table and of course impending doom. I know that any minute the door will open and a sweet faced demon will walk in with her tray of torture devices, more commonly known as shots. I know this is coming, my sweet faced boys fortunately do not. At this point they are blissfully unaware as they play with my phone and the paper robes in which they are currently adorned. They currently feel as if they have won this battle unscathed and will be collecting their booty of stickers as they walk out the door any minute now....
Then it happens, the nurse walks through the door with a smile on her face and a very recognizable tray in her hand. Their faces pale, the smiles fade and the panicked eyes shoot daggers at me as they say, "Who is getting a shot?" "It is him, isn't it?" As him starts furiously shaking his head NO! I calmly say, "both of you will be getting a shot today, but remember these shots are for your own good." However, this last part is lost in wailing that is currently pouring out from my oldest, my youngest is still silent as he pinches himself trying to awake from the nightmare.
Most Moms, I imagine, start to feel sympathetic for their children and maybe even start crying at the prospect of forcing their children to endure such unpleasantries.  What does this Mom do? I start laughing...It starts as a slight grin, with the wailing, and then turns to a bold face laugh as the TOTAL drama of the moment erupts. Judging by the looks on the nurses faces this IS NOT the reaction they were expecting, but this is absolutely what they get from me. As the situation progresses the cries, wails of woe and giggles only get worse.  Now please understand I am not a sadistic Mother that enjoys watching her children cry and get shots. But I am the type of person that laughs at the most inappropriate times. You make me angry, my first reaction is to laugh. You make me sad, laughter, then tears and sometimes they overlap. My kids wailing at the doctors office as if they just found out they were getting a limb amputated....borderline hysteria.
I like to think that I am always looking for the humor in situations and that is why, when I am faced with something like the shots, laughter is my gut reaction. I mean if the nurses weren't laughing behind my back they missed a golden opportunity. At one point I am holding down a 40 pound version of the Hulk while my 7 year old is crawling under the table trying to make a break for it. THIS IS GOOD STUFF PEOPLE, laughter is required!
Laughter is what attracted me to my husband and laughter is what has gotten us through some of our toughest times. Laughter is free and when you are broke it comes in handy! Laughter is what makes the difference between close friends and acquaintances. Can you laugh so hard you pee your pants in front of an acquaintance? Heck no! But if it is a good friend, chances are, you will both have wet pants before the moment passes! Laughter is what gets me through my toughest days at work. The days if I was trying to screw up I couldn't do it right. Like the day I met with a customer who seem more interested in giving me a coke than listening to anything I had to say. After trying repeatedly to get him off the coke and back on task I finally slouched back to my car defeated. Only after checking my lipstick in the mirror did I realize the need for the coke.  The black sesame seeds from my sushi lunch had nestled themselves in every crevice my teeth had to offer. He was probably trying to determine if I had half my lunch in my teeth or the worst case of gingivitis he had ever seen. This is when laughter is the only option. Not just any laughter but the deep down gut laughter that can make any day brighter despite the defeats which threaten to darken it; even if it is at your own expense.
If we can laugh, if we can find the smallest amount humor in the worst of situations we will catch a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel or for my boys the sticker table as they exit doctors office.


"The worst thing"

On Monday I was asked by Kirsetin Morello, a fellow blogger that I met at Blissdom, to give my thoughts on a quote for a series she is doing called, 'Wise Words.' In this series, Kirsetin will be reflecting on how different thoughts and quotes resonate, not only with her, but also with others. I was excited to be asked but I was even more excited about the first quote that she picked! 

The following quote is by Stephen King:
“The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it?…you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a tellar but for want of an understanding ear.”

Could this be a more perfect quote for what I am trying to accomplish with this blog!?! 
I desperately want to create a place where, through my openness and honesty, people feel they are not alone in the struggles they face in life. This quote embodies everything that has moved/driven me to create this blog. We deal with so many struggles, in this life, that have the ability to isolate us from the very people who can help us survive them. However, in the midst of an incredibly difficult situation it takes all the strength you can muster to reach out to someone and ask for help, understanding or just an ear to listen as you work through your thoughts out loud. 
Why is this so difficult? WHY do we allow our minds to convince us that no one will understand? Why when the Bible, in Galatians 6:2, tells us to 'Bear one another's burdens...' do we hold our burdens so tightly to our vest? 
When we were struggling with what was the best way to help our son, my husband and I felt like we could not admit, even to our closest friends, how desperate our struggle had become. Would they understand how hard we were trying? Would they grasp how the situation was breaking us? OR Would they think we were bad parents? "What kind of parents have to seek help to 'help' their child?"  This burden was so heavy it threaten to crush us as parents. But when we finally said, 'Please pray for us, we are at our wits end', the burden lighten and we were offered many places of 'rest'. Places were we found our struggles accepted with open hearts and attentive ears. The worst was over, the secret was exposed.  Life was able to continue with hope for the future and an abundance of friends and family that support us daily. 
Why do we allow this? Are we so unique that no one could have possibly been in this situation before? No, the reason reaching out can feel more like reaching in, pulling out your heart and offering it to the person before you is simple....We have all offered our hearts to the wrong person in the past only to have it treated with indifference. This offering of our hearts can refer to a romantic love but more commonly, and more in line with this quote, it is an offering of a burden that longs for a place of rest.  Oh, How we long for rest!  Rest from the rush of the day to day tasks, rest from the demands of work, family and life. Just a place of rest. 
As a woman I can not tell you how many times I have poured out my weariness to another soul only to hear, "I completely understand." But if you understand, Why does it sound like you don't even hear me? Do you really understand? If you heard me say that the opportunity that I thought was my dream ended more like a nightmare, how were you able to switch to a light hearted topic before my breath had cooled?  Did you really hear me or do you only think you heard me because you heard a bit or a piece of my story that sent you off into thoughts of your own world? 
When this happens it hurts, it makes us wish that we could suck the words back into our mouth and never release them to the world again.  But we can not allow this to happen, we have to be able to take the risk, demand the attention and in turn share our burdens. When we attempt to silence our heart's cry, we are the ones that will be silenced.  The 'worst' happens when we harden our hearts and actually start to believe that no one hears us and no one cares. No matter how vulnerable you are when you have something important to say, YOU MUST SAY IT! When you say it...when you muster all of your soul and expose it to the world, you give someone else the strength to do the same. 
"...And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." A Return to Love, Marianne Williamson
The next time a friend reaches out to you, tune out the world, turn off the phone and look them in the eyes, as you listen to them pour out their soul to you. 

Saturday, March 3, 2012

70mph on a donut

This will be the first of a few posts that will deal with how ADHD has effected our family and the choices that we have made, and continue to make, as we deal with this diagnosis. Please understand this is incredibly personal and I am being completely honest about every aspect of this ordeal in hopes of helping anyone that is dealing with this struggle.

The other morning as I was driving into work, at a respectable 70 mph, when I noticed the car just to my left, which was also at this cruising speed, had one of those itty, bitty, teensy, weensy donuts on its rear passenger side. Immediately I recognized this could be dangerous not only for that driver but for me as well. "What if that thing pops?" (and I say 'pop' because I have seen balloons with thicker walls) If that joke of a tire pops, by simple proximity, we are both in trouble. I now had a choice, speed up to 20+ mph over the posted speed limit and get past him or slow down and get to a safe distance at a safe speed. I decided to slow down, to the shock of most I am absolutely certain, because two wrongs, or in this case, idiots don't make a right. 
Now to get to this point a couple of things have had to happen. This gentleman has had to have had a tire blow out and after this blow out he decided to roll with the donut rather than replace it with a normal tire. Which is fine, except the sticker on the side of those things EXPLICITLY says, "Do not exceed 45mph and 150 miles." To be fair I have no idea if he was heading to the nearest tire shop (we passed 3) but, he definitely wasn't concerned with the speed.  
After I had slowed down and gotten a safe distance away, I proceeded to watch for the blow out…. Luckily it didn't happen.  Once we were on the interstate I decided to move to the front of the class and stop worrying about his issues AND then he crashed….. No, Not really but I knew that was what you were thinking. =) 
What really happened next was I started thinking about how I do this same thing with my emotions. I have a blow out, something goes horribly wrong or off track and I do what I do best. I fix it to the best of my abilities and proceed on the road of life at my normal cruising speed, which is typically +15 over the posted limit. 

(I feel like I need to step back here and remind you of an important aspect about me that I touched on earlier in name is Emily. I am a controlling person. Not controlling in that I like to manipulate people but controlling in that I do not need any help…with anything. I can handle it if it needs to be handled and I can fix it if it needs fixing. It is a HUGE Pride/Ego issue that I feel that God is working on heavily) 

The key statement here is 'I fix it'. This should probably be I patch it up, I put the spare on and believe the problem is gone. Sometimes this 'fix' actually does solve the problem which is GREAT except the 'fix' for the problem doesn't address the emotional side of the blowout. 
For me, the biggest 'blow out' involves one of my children. 

It started when he was about four. 

WOW! He is a great kid, but….. 
Oh man! He is a super smart kid, BUT…. 
Oh my, he is a wild little boy and l love him to pieces BUT….

There was ALWAYS a but. 

So, We started early defending him against the 'butts' (pun intended). 

We were ALWAYS defending him and along with that we were ALWAYS demanding something from him. IF I am going to defend you, you had better behave in a way that deserves defending. This was a lot of pressure to put on a little guy, but by god we were going to Fix it!! 

Fast forward 2 years, two Hellish years of meeting with preschool teachers, daycare directors and principals and more teachers, we were exhausted. He was exhausted.
We spoke with Doctors about those dreaded acronyms that you hear so much about.  Their answer was more exercise so we dove in full force. 5am at the gym swimming laps, 4:45am running miles; bad day at school….okay lets go run/swim some more. We we were exhausted and he was still getting into trouble. More meetings at school. The cell phone ringing everyday with more news of trouble. punishment. discipline. tears. screams. EXHAUSTION.

We were all exhausted. Shaun and I had to admit we can't fix our little boy and this broke our hearts in an indescribable and excruciating way. 

The spare had blown at 75mph and we felt like we were nothing more than a wreck that people wanted to stare at and discuss. But In the center of this wreck was my little boy, my wonderful, amazing, fearfully made little boy that I could not fix or understand.  My little boy who under the pressure of being good, sitting still, trying to comprehend the mental and physical boundaries that he was crossing was being broken to pieces. Broken by the fact that he couldn't help himself and even though he knew better he couldn't stop. He was never going to get it right on his own. He was being broken daily by the glances and whispers of the adults around him saying that he was not 'right', something is wrong with him, he just isn't trying hard enough.  The fact that I was in that group strips me to the core. I am his mother. I can fix it! We will fight until it is right. Until you are right. YOU ARE NOT AN ABBREVIATION!  You are my child and you can and YOU WILL control yourself, you will do it because I SAY SO….

We got the diagnosis of severe ADHD in October 2011. After months of play therapy and trying to let someone else 'fix it'.
We agreed to try medication after one horrible night when he cried out and said, "I am SO tired of not being good enough and not being able to turn off my mind, I just wish I could go….away…." He was 7.

November 1st was our D-day. This was the first day that he would be on the medication. We told no one. Mainly because we wanted a true picture of how the medication was working and not just an opinion that they we're glad he was on something. Partially because there was a chance that the medication would not work and then, as the doctor put it, 'we had a whole new set of problems that would need to be addressed.' When you and your child are at the end of your rope you don't want to think that your last resort may not work and you definitely don't want to explain to anyone else that it didn't work. 
I picked Luke up at 6pm on November 1st and he said, "Mommy I had a really good day today! My bowels moved A LOT but I had a really good day!" (The bowels moving are a side effect of the medication kind of like coffee in the AM for some adults) But the point was it worked even at 6pm he was articulate and calm. He was himself but with forethought. There was no zombie effect and he had, in the words of his teacher, A really, REALLY good day. Four months later we have found the medication helps him turn down the noise and allows him to focus on the things that need to be controlled. 

The new tire is on and he is on track.

Mama just realized she is still using the donut….

Paula Deen, after years of battling agoraphobia said, 'I finally had to let go, I had to accept my parent's deaths, I had to accept my mortality, and I had to accept the mortality of my children. These are things that I can not control or change and once I placed them in God's hands I was free from the fear that had been controlling my life."

When I heard this the donut blew, again. My heart dropped, my stomach wretched and I started crying. Although Luke is healing, I am still living in fear. I haven't given it to God and I am waiting for the pain and struggle to return. I am in 'control' and I have lost the ability to enjoy so much time with my children. I am constantly waiting for/looking for the next fight. Looking so hard that I believe I sometimes start fights just to get it over with. (Crazy right!?!)
I am slowly realizing this is what happens when I patch it up and move on. I have to learn to deal with the emotional wreck that this or any situation causes on the inside, the deep parts of my mind and soul that can be easily hidden from the world. I DEALT with the wreck that the ADHD caused on the outside, but the inside was/is mine and 'I am fine!' (and we all know know what "fine" means) I don't need you on this one God, I got it! Maybe next time…I am sure something will pop up that I will need your advice on but concerning this wreck, It's all good.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I am learning to let go and try to do things that I remind others to do. The verse that is on the back of my business card is Deuteronomy 31:8.
The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; 
He will never leave you nor forsake you.
do not be discouraged.
How much clearer can it be? If I am still afraid, then I am still trying to control it and it is not mine to control. As I have mentioned so many times before we have a choice;  A patched up life of fear waiting for the next blow out OR a Life of Complete Peace.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.
I do not give to you as the world gives.
Do not let your hearts be troubled and