Does this blog make my butt look big?

Okay, I have been wearing a certain company's undergarments for several years now and I have a bone to pick, well... technically a wedgie to pick with this company!

Everyone knows this company.

They push their panties with all the angels a man can dream up, even though I am sure devils would be more comfortable in the product they are pushing! No, this is not a rant about scantily clad models flashing their over-processed bodies at me and my family. In all honesty I would rather see those bodies than the ones that are generally inflicted on me every time I head to 'Wal-My-lord-did-no-one-love-you-enough-to-stop-you-before-you-got-out-of-the-house-in-that!!!

No...the wedgie that needs picking is either their undies are getting smaller or my butt is getting bigger! I know. I know. This sounds like a personal problem. 

Some of you maybe saying, 'buy your drawers elsewhere', while others are saying, 'take the hint you are no longer part of their target demographic' AKA I am outta my 20's and over 100lbs. Oh! who I am kidding, 120lbs. And some of you may have already clicked the back button for fear of where this little rant is going. Oh well! For those of you that are still here, HERE IS THE QUESTION:

If you are wondering why they are smiling
 it is because this underwear don't creep!

WHY, if my booty has shrank 3 pants sizes, do the new pair of angelics I just got BARELY cover the hind fracture???  NO, I didn't try anything new or fancy. Sorry dear! I got the good ol' standards, well as old and standard as the pantie-pushing Angels offer, and too bad I had to work today because I should have been at the movies, as many seats as I have been picking! 

I need to 'ass'certain the correct answer to this question because if my booty shrinking is going to cause further shrinkage of the fancy panties, I will for the love of womankind and my sanity stop working out and eating right. This only seems fair because if the unders are going to fit the EXACT same no matter what size I am, then TO HECK WITH IT.  Life will be much more enjoyable with a Five Guys Burger, fries and milk shake in one hand while the other picks my seat!

I guess until an accurate answer can be ascertained and as long as they are going to keep sending me coupons for free undies I will continue to exercise, eat right and attempt to squeeze my average size derriere into those freebies!

EmJ

Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda

"SCOOBY-DOOBY-DOO!!"

I Coulda spent Friday night cleaning up from the busyness/business of last week, but instead I chose to do something a little more fun. I loaded up my family, a few friends and we watched the characters of childhood dreams float gracefully through the sky.

"Daniel teaching EJ to Fly"

I Shoulda spent Saturday carving down the mountains of laundry in my basement. However, due to the beautiful weather I decided there was nothing wrong with mountains and my time would be better spent elsewhere... The yard did get watered & carved down and the sun melted away the stress of the prior week. 

"No..this isn't us...but you get the gist!

I Woulda worked on cleaning up the hairballs, dust bunnies and clutter mounts invading the Jenkins' Ranch. But the idea of warm bread, garlic dipping sauce, cool salad, hot homemade lasagna and family made the invaders seem like guests to the party. Although uninvited, they were unimposing and unimpressive in the light of the laughter and conversation.

I Coulda done a lot of stuff. I Shoulda done even more, and I Woulda done it all but as the saying goes.....

 "YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, BUT NOT EVERYTHING!" 

-David Allen

When the Coulda, Shoulda and Woulda's are what you miss out on, Life is what you get to enjoy!

EmJ 

We have it all WRONG!!!

5:15 am -(alarm sounds) Grr...I get up, smack it for being annoying and go back to sleep for 8 mins.
5:23 am -(beep...beep) I gently nudge SJ and politely ask him to take care of this annoyance because my smack obviously wasn't hard enough. (SJ refutes the politeness)

The One Eyed Screamer

5:31 am -(beep...beep) I get up, FURIOUS that the one eyed screamer has the audacity to wake me, AGAIN. I call it the one eyed screamer because it has a laser, yes, a freakin' laser (...Austin Powers reference) that shoots the time and temperature onto the ceiling so you don't even have to sit-up to see the time...laziness at its finest.
5:39 am -(B..E..E..P, B..E..E..P) I nudge SJ and ask him to, "Get THAT" (the kindness has left me).
5:46 am -At this point I know you are asking, "Why not just get up?" Well...I just don't wanna...
5:54 am -Kick SJ because I am completely annoyed that he can get up, slap the one eyed screamer and go on to get another 15 minutes of REM sleep before I kick him again...
6:02 am - CRAP!! I'm going to be late! Why didn't the alarm wake me up....

Although this does accurately describe most mornings, Monday-Friday, it hasn't always been this way. Once upon a time we were getting up at 4:45 am (no slapping or kicking involved) running a few miles and enjoying a quiet cup of coffee before the madness began. Now, it seems, the madness begins an hour before we get out of bed.

As maddening as that little ritual is, it is not nearly as maddening as the next 30 minutes.

Lately, I have noticed the morning routine is severely out of balance... Despite what you may think, this has nothing to do with whether or not SJ is pulling his weight in the morning. Honestly as many times as I kick him it's a wonder he can even walk to the bathroom. No, this disparity comes from how little he has to do to get ready every morning. The man crawls out the bed looking like Cousin Itt from the Addams Family and 20 minutes later he looks like he is running for office. IT IS ANNOYING! 20 minutes after I get out of bed I still look like a frizzy headed mess with sheet creases and drool marks on my face. This isn't fair! I have no doubt that with an additional 30-45 minutes of 'attention' I can match his pretty and raise him one. But the additional effort and time requirement is what gets me. I am starting to think as animals, we humans, have the male/female dynamic all wrong and I have evidence!

One of my favorite customers is the Briarwood Ranch Safari off Exit 12 in Morristown. I LOVE calling on them and not just because they buy billboards. But I also get to feed a Lemur, pet a zebra, but not the female, she's grumpy (probably can't get the male to turn off the rooster in the morning) and see some of the coolest animals that you would never expect to see in East Tennessee. It was while I was there, last Thursday, that I had the epiphany* that certain parts of the male/female dynamic were off.

One of my subjects...

After the billboard business was handled, I started looking around for interesting animals and a good picture. At Briarwood this never takes long, especially, when the Peacocks are around. On this particular day, the two males had roosted on the roof of the barn and although the lighting was all wrong for an amazing color picture, it was perfect for a picture that showed their kingly crowns. After pretending I was a photographer and snapping several pictures I noticed the Peahen standing at the base of the barn pecking at her toes while fully ignoring the beautiful displays that have me mesmerized.  We have all seen the breathtaking colors of the Peacocks when they ruffle their tail feathers trying to catch the eye of the nearest female. But the Peahens...have you seen those? Just in case you haven't seen one or don't remember, let me remind you.  Peahens look like someone lopped off the head of a beautiful Peacock and stuck it on the body of a long tailed turkey...aka...they ain't all that. But the males in all their glory, strut around putting on these amazing displays while TRYING to get the attention of the long tailed turkey with the pretty face...

tamstuart.com

For the record, I can do long tailed turkey....WITH NO EFFORT!
This little show I witness tells me Nature intends the males to be the ones that worry and preen, not the females!
How wonderful would it be if we ladies could stand around clucking like a bunch of hens, picking our toes (maybe not with our teeth...yuck) while all the pretty boys were preening and strutting to get our attention?

I know, I know.....stop whining!

My husband loves me no matter what I look like and this is confirmed every morning when I finally crawl out of bed and look in the mirror. But the outside world of bosses, co-workers, clients and potential clients would not care for me looking like the long tailed turkey. Therefore the morning ritual of plucking, preening, applying, smoothing and poofing shall continue....


I am just saying the animals have it right on this one!! The males should have to do the work of getting all gussied up while the females sit picking their toes and the prettiest male.


EmJ

***Mr. Ron Nease, the owner of Briarwood Ranch Safari, has donated a family pass (2 adults, 2 kids) for me to give away to one of my readers...YAY! Leave a comment below and I will randomly draw a winner on Friday, April 13th so one of you can visit this amazing park and see how the humans have it all wrong!***

Another of my 'subjects' at Briarwood

*FYI...this epiphany was probably brought on by a facial breakout that would make a 16 year old cringe.

What if worms had machine guns?

What would happen if worms had machine guns? Would they be able to take over the world? Probably not...one good rain storm would wash them and their tiny machine guns away. Now if they had lifeboats and machine guns we might be in trouble! This line of thought has absolutely NO point. Nothing deep or impactful just a thought a friend shared with me a few weeks ago. A thought I actually spent some time pondering for no other reason than it was kind of funny.  This may actually confirm what some of you were already thinking, I am a tad bit crazy. Crazy is still undiagnosed but I am a firm believer that silliness and fun are what make life bearable and if you can throw in a smidgen of randomness you should be good.
Recently I have both read and heard the statement, "Life is hard, not because you are doing it wrong, but because it is just hard!" This is SOOO true, and because it is SOOO true I think it is incredibily important to make fun a priority. As an adult it is very easy to get lost in the tedious nature of the position, so making fun a priority becomes just as important as paying the electric bill. (But don't forget to pay the electric bill or you will learn how to have fun 1800's style)
Here are a few things I try to remind myself to do as often as possible:

• PLAY!! As much and as hard as you can!

• Daydream...look for beauty everywhere and remember what you 'used' to do before the responsibilities and laundry began to pile up.

• Try to find something that you want to do, enjoy doing and do it! (not because you have too, but because it makes you feel alive.)

• Act like a fool to make your family, friends or, most importantly, yourself laugh! (within reason, I am not bailing anyone out of jail)

• Remember not to take yourself to seriously. (this will cause other adults to roll their eyes and look for the nearest exit.)

Most importantly never forget, the memories we make in the good times are what carry us through the rough times.....

SO MAKE A LOT!

EmJ