Perseverance...

Perseverance: Continuing in a course of action without regard to discouragement, opposition or previous failure.

Walking the Walk

3,794,928 people will turn 60 this year, of that 3.8 million only an incredibly small portion will also graduate from College... My Mom, Pat, will be one of the few that fall in both categories. Now this isn't the first college degree she has attained. The first was received in 1977. But to fully appreciate the dedication it required to get both of these degrees we have to start in 1975.
In 1975 Mom was pregnant with my bother, I mean Brother, (who I shall refer to as Dork) when she decided to apply to the inaugural class of a new nursing program. My Mom knew it would be difficult to get into this program because it was new and A LOT of people wanted to be a part of the program. So she decided to apply the first year, believing she didn't have the 'experience' to make the list the first year. But with high hopes of getting accepted the following year. This would have been ideal because the Dork would be 1-ish if she was accepted year two and this would give her more time to get motherhood and wife-hood under her belt prior to going back to school.

Mom at her first Graduation in 1977

This was a grand, grand plan but as usual she had under estimated her abilities and was accepted into the inaugural class. When she started school the Dork was 5 weeks old. For the next 2ish years my mother worked her tail off to finish Nursing School while working as a nursing assistant and raising an infant/toddler. I am a working mother and it is kicking my tail, I can not imagine putting school on top of the current Chaos....But she did it,  powering through work, constant mounds of homework and pee covered books...the Dork figured out if he peed on the books Mom would have to stop studying and let them dry. Therefore, allowing her time to pay attention to him. He was a genius at an early age... Despite all this my Mother graduated in 1977 with an Associates Degree in Nursing, her RN license and a job at the local hospital!  WOOHOO! Smooth Sailing! Outta school, Outta diapers, and Outta weird work hours (sort of). My parents thought they had finally caught that, OH SO elusive break!
Hehehe....Life has a frightening sense of humor....

Mom and Dad smooth sailing....

After a few, short months at her new job she got wonderful news that a bouncy, baby girl was going to make her entrance into the world. She says she cried profusely at the news... I have always assumed they were tears of pure Joy!
1978 came, as did I, and went as did the next 33 years...

Me, Mom and Dork in Maine

In those fast moving years Mom worked day and night (literally) to help provide a comfortable life for  Dork and I. She strived endlessly to improve herself, and us by proximity, as she and Dad showed us we needed to work hard so we could explore and enjoy the world around us.
Over those years she worked her way through the ranks of nursing while finding her niche, in the OR.  Then she worked her way to the top of that niche, and became the Director of Surgical Services and the President of East Tennessee Association of Operating Room Nurses (AORN). This would satisfy most, but, she longed for one more thing. The one thing that two children and life had caused her to postpone over and over. Her Bachelor's Degree.

The Fam...

Mom,
Today, May 5th 2012, you will graduate for a second time, this time at the top of your class. This time, the small people demanding your attention were your grandchildren. The lack of sleep wasn't from an infant, it was from the stresses of a full time Management position, where your performance affects the livelihood of others. This time, you had something more than pushy children and exhaustion...this time you had an aging and ailing parent who also needed you. So, to say the stresses were many, is to put it lightly. Yet, once again you powered through and never quit. Even when you wanted to quit, you stuck with it.  You persevered to the finish, your 2nd college graduation, the one you did for you. I am so proud!!! You are an amazing woman and have taught me life isn't easy, BUT it is mine and, therefore, my responsibility to make it what I want!

Me and My Mom

Thank you for being you and being a wonderful example of beauty and grace in the light of stress and chaos.
I love you and I am SO proud of you!!
EmJ

Teeth and Grace

I don't really consider myself a writer so I am very concerned that I have writer's block 5 posts into my blogging adventure. I mean I have been acting like a nut for years and I have story after story that I could share but at the moment I feel like I have been locked in a white walled room (padded perhaps) for 32 of my 33 years.
I think I will just ramble a bit until something sticks......

Crap! I can't even ramble...

Maybe a little history. You have to know where you have been to know where you are going.

I grew up wanting to be a dentist. This, I now know, was completely rational given how much time I spent at the dentist office as a child. I really had a hard time keeping my teeth in my mouth. When I was 4ish I was visiting my Great Grandmother in the hospital and back in those days if you were under the age of 12 you had to stay in the lobby while the adults went and did the visiting. When you are four and bored what do you do? Well, you make a friend, you play, run around and play some more. I think there is a Law of Physics that says something about, "When two four year olds are in motion there is a tendency for those four year olds to collide." (If this isn't a Law of Physics it should be)  She was a little shorter than I was and her forehead was directly in line with my front teeth.  Thank the Lord we were in the hospital.... She needed stitches and I needed two new front teeth. They were able to stitch her up and I found out teeth are not easy to replace.  I became very familiar with the song, "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth, my two front teeth...." At the ripe old age of 4, I was a few years away from getting those illusive adult teeth and I wasn't about to go through the next 3-4 years singing that stupid song or having no teeth in pictures, so I got a partial. The world's smallest partial. The dentist said I was his youngest partial patient. (I started distinguishing myself early) This little partial served many great purposes, I looked cute in pictures and I didn't have to sing Christmas songs in July. But to the chagrin of my teachers I found some not so great uses for my partial as well. I flipped my partial to amuse my friends and annoy my teachers, hmm..maybe I should have seen some of my struggles coming... 
I got to keep my partial until my adult teeth came in around the age of 6-7. Now the dentist had told my parents that given the level of trauma that my gums had incurred my adult teeth may come in black or abscessed or not at all. But they came in PERFECT! White, shiny and perfect!

I was incredibly happy, and my parents were incredibly happy that the dental bills should be returning to normal.  And they did... for the next 2 years....
Then I decided to dive into the shallow end of a pool face first and the bottom of that pool was just as nice as that little girl's forehead. Ironically it happened in July and so then I really was singing, 'All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth....' in July, apparently it was just meant to be!
I was praying that they would tell me that the next round of adult teeth should flip forward in a couple of months. The dentist sighed and assured me that that was my one chance at having adult teeth and I had failed miserably. Weeelll crap.... Now what? The short answer was/is a lot of bonding and a lifetime of dental work that rolled to into my purse at the age of 18.
Life is funny like that. Sometimes we mess up the first chance, royally screw up the second chance and then we have the rest of our lives to deal with the mess. Now I realize that my teeth are a some what strange way to convey a message on life but how many people do you know that have knocked out their front teeth TWICE. My parent's probably would have made me wear a mouth piece to walk to the bathroom if they had thought for one second that I would knock my front teeth out twice. But seriously WHO DOES THAT? Me, little ole me.
The great thing about this story is amazing advances in dental work and dental insurance.  But in life the great thing is Grace. We have Grace. We can screw up and know that we have been given Grace and all is not lost. These mishaps can be small and we can feel that a prayer and an apology is all we need to move on with life. But sometimes these mishaps are big...REAL BIG and require us to have large amounts of Faith to believe that Grace is sufficient. Which one do you think we learn more from? I am not suggesting that we all go out and intentionally make a really big mess.  Because, really we don't have to try, do we? Most of those screw ups happen with very little intent and a whole lot of good intention.  But these are the screw ups that we can't seem to let go of, no matter how hard we try. They sneak up in the moments of weakness, stress or exhaustion and remind us that we aren't good enough and we never will be good enough and we should just stop trying.  It is in these moments we truly feel like we just smacked our face on the bottom of a concrete pool mentally and physically. The truth is we are not good enough and we never will be good enough when we are on our own. The reason it feels like we just got our front teeth knocked out is because we have the audacity to think we are in control. This is why it is SO exhausting to try to make it look like with have it under control, we never screw up and we definitely don't lose it, ever...

'All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by HIS GRACE through the redemption that came by Jesus Christ.'

Romans 3:23-24

We all screw up, sometimes it is little, sometimes it is BIG and sometimes it is MONUMENTAL. But it is all covered because no matter what we think in our moments of weakness:

He said to me, "My GRACE is SUFFICIENT for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's Power may rest on me.

2 Corinthians 12:9

When we screw up or when we are reminded about our past (and we all have a past, but that is a post for another time). Remember, God knows we are weak but it is in our weakness he can show HIS power. We have all messed up and continue to mess up, little, big and monumentally. But when we try to hide it we don't allow God to rest His Power on us and we don't let the Grace that He has given us shine!!

EmJ

PS. I am glad that God's power is glorified in my infinite weakness BUT I am also thankful that my dentist's abilities are shown in the fact that none of you knew they weren't real! hahaha!!!

Hello..My Name is Emily.

I know I have given some information about myself in the previous posts but I think tonight I will give you a small glimpse into the 'real' Emily.
Are ya scared? I am....

For those who know me or have lived with me nothing in this post will be new or surprising but for those of you who haven't, welllll, I hope you will at least wave when we pass at the grocery store.

I am Emily Jenkins, mother of two wonderful boys who I love so much it hurts, but they drive me BONKERS. I have zero patience with my children, my husband, my co-workers, the human race in general and perhaps most importantly myself. (If I am not going to cut myself any slack, you can bet I am not going to cut you any either.)  I really try, but when push comes to shove I am completely intolerant of anyone who doesn't jump when I snap. 

On the opposite side of the same coin, don't TELL me to do anything. You can ask me nicely or better yet make it my idea but don't present anything as a 'directive'. I will become indignant immediately and only do  the 'thing' out of spite or in a way that will make you wish you hadn't TOLD me to do it. (The funny thing, or sad thing, is I will rationalize my behavior while condemning yours.) 

I tend to take everything personal while at the same time taking nothing to heart. That makes NO sense I know so let me try to explain. If I hear you talking about someone or if an email goes out to the whole office, I will always assume it is directed at me. However, I will blow it off as, "who cares what you think" and continue on with my business. I guess you could say I always jump to conclusions but tend to land in a bowl of cotton. (This is a very good thing because as much jumping as I am doing a hard landing would kill me!)
I am very protective of those whom I love & trust, protective to a fault. It may take a while for me to warm up to you but once I trust you I will defend you with all my heart. I also get very mean when I think someone I care about is being treated unfairly. I love my family and friends but I have high expectations for them too. If I am going to defend you until my head spins off then I expect you are doing everything in your power to protect yourself. This goes back to I don't cut myself any slack and therefore you aren't getting any slack either. I think this can make me difficult to like at times. For example, my boys. As  parents I feel like Shaun and I have been through quite a bit of struggles (I do plan on elaborating on these struggles at a later date when I have several days and lots of time to write). When we were in the 'valley' of these struggles I was as defensive as a mother Grizzly, but at the same time I was demanding my child to leave no room for reproach. If you were on the opposite side of these many disputes I am sure I was less than pleasant, but it was just as unpleasant on this side as well (I can 100% guarantee you). I don't lower expectations, ever, and I will push until those expectations are met and this is where my kids, husband, parents, family and friends probably have an occasion to dislike me.
I am incredibly passionate about certain things but most people would never know it. I tend to hold my cards very close to my vest and I don't really know why. I think it is because I don't like disappointment and it is easier to hide it if nobody knows there was an expectation there. But again on the flip side of the same coin I tend not realize when things are very important to other people. It isn't because I don't care, I think it has more to do with I don't read emotion well in others. (A side note: I think this actually helps my Career as a Sales Rep because I say things that most people wouldn't. Not because I am brave but simply because I don't catch the signs they are sending me and I am truly shocked when they don't see things my way!)

Last but not least, I SCREAM, a lot (the reference to a Banshee wasn't a stretch)....I don't like it and I feel like a total heel after the dust has settled but I can't seem to control myself when my emotions are swirling. I have read book after book and listened to parenting guides that say remember, "you are the parent, you MUST control yourself..." and then the guinea pig is loose, the cat is trying to eat an escaped crawdad that is hiding under the piano and two little boys are having screaming fits about the crawdad getting eaten and the guinea pig disappearing... I would love to see the 'experts' remain calm during this situation! Being faced with the prospect of a crawdad funeral, while pondering exactly what raw crawdad would do to a cat's stomach and the mess that would come with that and where the HELL did the guinea pig go? Oh! and we won't even get into the nasty crawdad water that was spilled under the 900lb piano that can't be moved without professional help... The shrieks of, "'STOP WHINING! and HELP ME GET THE CAT OFF THE CRAWDAD! and GET THE FREAKING PIG'!" Flowed of my tongue like a water fall in a rain storm...be the adult, remain calm...Wellll, maybe next time.

EmJ

Smooth Sailing into the next Hurricane

Does it ever seem that as soon as your life gets in order something comes out of left field and completely derails everything?
You know, you are trying to get everyone ready for school/work and your kids WON'T put on their underwear no matter how many times you scream, "get your underwear on!!" Then you finally realize that there are no clean underwear to be found. Great, what now?

As you can see from my previous post this happens to me quite a bit. Some people (AKA 'the peanut gallery') would say this has do with my lack of planning but I don't see it.  I plan on looking in to this theory at some point but I am too busy at the moment to worry about it. Now I know that the majority of the events below couldn't have been avoided and all of these things proved very valuable in the short and long term but I have noticed a theme in my somewhat short stint as an 'adult'. Smooth sailing only lasts so long no matter how hard you try, so you should probably try.

Although I don't think I will ever be accused of being a 'planner', I have began to see how much just a little forethought can drastically reduce the amount of screaming and crying that occurs when Mommy is late for work, dinner or just about anything.  (the above mention screaming/crying is in reference to my screaming/crying, when this starts the males in the house huddle together for protection)  For example, I know that having clothes laid out (mine especially), the car loaded and the coffeepot on auto-brew makes our family's morning MUCH easier but for some reason I have to force myself to complete these actions nightly.

WHY?

Why when I know something is going to make my life easier, and potentially prevent long term mental scars to those around me, do I even have to think twice? What is the aversion to easy?

I am sure that I could list example after example after example of the many times that the lack of planning, or forethought, has caused pain for me or others. However, I think I will just ponder these many examples internally and move forward with a simple, "it has happened enough for me to know better, so you would think I would know better."

When I worked as a Social Worker my primary role was to help the parents of the children that were being served by the agency where I was employed. I went into this position full of energy and excitement ready to change the world. I found out very quickly the world wasn't interested in changing.  No matter how hard I worked to get a job for a parent or to get a bill paid or a car repaired or whatever need met, the same need was waiting next month. I would get SO frustrated when I was approached repeatedly for a need that with a little 'planning' or 'forethought' could have been handled without my involvement. But month after month it was the same requests over and over. Why, when life could be so much easier, did they not see the BIG picture? Why didn't they understand that if they would take the advise I was giving them and run with it, things would gradually get better?

Some things are SOO much easier in word than in practice. =)

We want life to be easy. As a wife, mother and woman I can honestly say I want life to be easy without having to work at it! I know that work is required to be successful, but I would absolutely love if it wasn't required at EVERY turn.  I would love to wake up each morning to my bright faced boys smiling at me as they say, "Good Morning Mommy, we are so excited about getting this day started that we are already dressed and ready for breakfast...we'll meet you in the kitchen, but take your time we don't want to rush you...."

I know this is a HUGE stretch but you get the gist.

The reason that planning for the morning makes me less of a banshee is because mornings at our house are NEVER going to occur as I described above. They are going to be rushed at best and a total disaster of tears and screams at worst.  The reason that I have to force myself to plan is because I would like to think I don't have to.
How wonderful would it be if we didn't have to plan, think ahead or prepare for the future?
It would be nice but that is not the world we live in, in this world we must be prepared to face the grumpy children of the morning, the disasters of the workplace and piles of dishes and laundry that await when we get home. But with a little planning we may be able to face these things with a calm heart and peace of mind knowing that it is going to get easier, even if it is gradually.

 The Lord will open to you his good treasury, the heavens, to give the rain to your land in its season and to bless all the work of your hands...

Deut. 28:12

EmJ

Roller Coasters

Today was a day of conflicting emotions. Okay, I have started my blog, "YAY!"; Oh Lord what if someone reads it... Has anyone read it?? Yes... YAY!! Now what?

I guess the best place to start is the beginning.

I have been with my husband for 12 years, his hideous backpack and amazing smile caught my eye on day one, Freshman year at UTK....4 years later we had our first date. Maybe it was the ugly backpack comments that caused the delay, Hmm...who knows? At some point I had told Shaun if I could get engaged anywhere it would be somewhere in the Florida Keys, any Key would do, I wasn't picky.... On the evening of August 15th 2001, he proposed on the beach in Key West. I decided he was a good listener and said, "Yes!"

We will be married 10 years in June.

The first year was a roller coaster of new, exciting beginnings, painful losses and A LOT of U-hauls. Two weeks after we got married we packed up everything and moved 14 hours away from everything and everyone we knew.

Chi-town here we come!! 

I would say this was hard but, for a couple of kids it was just an adventure. It wasn't planned but it ended up being, quite possibly, one of the best moves newlyweds could have made. When you are broke and a days drive from everyone you could or would run to, you figure out REALLY quickly how to work through petty arguments and how to deal with the big ones before they get TOO big. Although our stay up north was short, it is and always will be a very treasured time in my heart.

As with all roller coasters, what goes up must come down.

On the morning of August 15th, 2001, the day that he proposed, Shaun had found out his Dad had been diagnosed with Lung Cancer. I would find out many years later (roughly 10, you do the math.) that he almost didn't propose that night on the beach.

Mack was battling the cancer when we left for our great adventure.

Mack Jenkins was a wonderful man.  He lit up a room with his humor and friendliness. His wittiness would double you over with laughter and he would ALWAYS make you smile, no matter what the situation...'cue the deer'.

In early-September we made the decision to move back to Tennessee so we could spend a few more months with Mack. We got one....

Mack passed away on Oct 30th, 2002.

We were lost. Shaun was trying to deal with losing his best friend, his greatest role-model, his Dad. I was trying to figure how to help him. We were both lost....incredibly lost.
How can a 23 year old, new wife help her husband deal with emotions that she didn't understand, and truth be told 10 years later I still have trouble understanding/explaining?
We struggled, we tried to make the best out of the situation. You know the situation, married 5 months with 2 major moves and one heart wrenching loss under our belt. We bought a condo and tried to make the best of our new jobs, which with both hated, and tried to deal with all the emotions. Sounds like enough right?!?!

I thought so...God didn't.

We signed the paperwork on our new/first condo on Dec 31st. Shaun was fired on Jan. 5th....NOW WHAT?

It turned out he was fired for talking to another company about a new and better job...which he didn't get...

Now we were dealing with a new marriage, two major moves, a devastating loss, one minor move, a mortgage & unemployment....and we were only 7 months into this new life.  This breathtaking, eye opening, somewhat nauseating new life.

It's funny, that is how the most amazing roller coasters start; a slow pull up to an amazing view right before the bottom drops out and all hell breaks lose. We scream, we close our eyes and pray that it is almost over, then we start to relax, a little, trusting that the safety equipment will work, but we don't let go.
We get off the roller coaster and think, 'That wasn't that bad' and get back in line to ride again. But this time  we know the safety equipment will work and we let go, A LITTLE, and smile, A LITTLE. We still close our eyes, but kind of enjoy the ride. The next time we get in line we are excited knowing that we will survive. This time we really let go we scream at the top of our lungs, not out of fear but of pure joy, we laugh the kind of laugh that makes you realize you have abs (and in my case they are weak). Then we let go....FULLY....arms out stretched, knowing that we will be okay and with each peak and valley we are stronger and more confident and we can FINALLY have utter confidence that no matter what comes next.....

I am going to be okay.

And to Charlotte we went!

The last part of the first year got better, it smoothed out. If only briefly. We managed to find an apartment, stay put and try to process the previous months. I don't think that Shaun and I experienced anything that made us special but we did grow up fast, learn to trust each other and acknowledge life isn't easy and it owes us nothing.

Somethings never change, life is complicated. But in those painful, gut wrenching experiences you find  yourself, your friends and, most importantly, you find what gives you your strength.

Now Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

 Hebrews 11:1 

EmJ

Here Goes Something!

This blogging journey began just a few weeks ago with a God-Placed, completely undeniable longing in my heart to support my friends who were struggling with various and sundry life challenges.  I tried several times to ignore this conviction because what in the world am I going to blog about and why would anyone want to read it?!?!  However, every time I turned away a new neon sign popped up saying, 'HEY! YOU! PAY ATTENTION!!!'  So I finally said, Okay, God I will do this, through you because through you I can all things....

My mission or desire for this blog is simple, create a community that is a comfortable place for women to be uplifting, honest and supportive of each other. 

 

We all struggle with complications to 'self-inflicted ideals' about what life should look like and then we try to struggle through these complications with out damaging our outward appearances. (What would 'they' think if 'they' knew the truth?) This desire to maintain appearances tends to isolate us from the Grace that is waiting for us and leaving us feeling lost and alone. But in no situation should we feel alone...there are just TOO much Grace and way TOO many of us for that kind of craziness!   

SO, I am really...REALLY excited to start this process and I BEG you to be patient with me as I struggle through this conviction knowing full well I am not qualified, but I am willing.

Em